Bond and Swann: Stop Spectre Forever Today!
by TheCrazyPerson44
Summary: James Bond has a vivid dream and then finds that he and Swann are destined for a new adventure after receiving a new briefing from MI6 explaining that SPECTRE is back-and with some new management! Only Bond and Swann can stop the villains in this fun little thrill ride! Adventure/Humor/Romance and more. Features classic Bond villains such as Zorin and Scaramanga, and some new ones.
1. Chapter 1

SPECTRE 2 -THE NEW FANFIC FROM CRAZYPERSON44 FEATURING BOND AND SWANN AS THEMSELVES. In a very much altered Craig universe of course.

The universe of 007 Legends, no doubt. My best guess. Craig's already done some of the Connery and Roger Moore missions, as well as some others, you get the drift, but not all of them of course. Still haven't decided why Zorin is alive, but he's just awesome you know? The song I would want for this is 007nside on YouTube.

List of Main Characters:

Bond: James Bond is cold, cunning, and efficient as an agent. However, he wants to retire, but can't. He is pulled back in when SPECTRE starts wreaking havoc again.

Swann: Swann doesn't want the life of a spy either, but like Bond is thrust back into it.

M: Gareth Malleroy resigned as M after some sort of incident with the Chief of Staff. It most likely involved coffee and classified documents.

This new M is much much older. Q suspects he is somewhat forgetful at times.

Max Zorin and Carlos Ramirez: A microchip mogul and a drug kingpin. They're the new leaders of SPECTRE...or are they?

Q: You know about him. Gadget guy.

Rea Salone: She says she works for Greek Intelligence...she says that yeah.

JW Pepper: A fat Louisiana sherrif who shows up now and then. He now has a fully grown and beautiful adopted daughter named Pele A. Pepper.

Wint and Kidd: Freelance Killers for hire. But they are polite and welcoming.

The Spang Gang: A group of mobsters who get money from rigged horse races. They are led by Sherrafimo Shpang (Serrafimo Spang, but I said it the Connery way).

General Pomerov: A Russian spy who stole equipment to conspire with SPECTRE.

Francisco Scaramanga: Man with the Golden Gun and member of the Spang Gang which also has ties to Zorin. Duh.

Polla Ivanova: She's Russian, she likes classical music, and telling legends and fairy tales?

Blofeld: Poor old nutty lunatic villain, with his adorable cat, he's in prison for the majority of the story, but indeed makes a striking appearance.

AND NOW OUR STORY BEGINS!

Prologue:

Imagine a gunbarrel sequence. Seriously. Anyway...here we go:

Bill Tanner, Chief of Staff for M was showing Colonel Greensbury around every nook and cranny of the MI6 building in London.

"Welcome to your new office," said Tanner, introducing Colonel Greensbury to his room.

"Thank you, I think I shall like it here," said Greensbury.

"I should hope. It's a matter of England's national security that you do!" replied Tanner.

"I'll see to it that I enjoy every aspect of my new life," said Greensbury pulling out a Camacho Triple Maduro cigar from a box and smoking it.

Next he would imbibe in an Ashton Classic, then a Robusto.

He had a penchant for fine cigars, and was hiding a Churchill, Gurkha Majesty's Reserve, Natural Toro and Black Dragon under his desk.

"You're getting a fine start, I think," said Tanner.

"Now that I know it's for the sake of our fine country, the more the merrier" replied M, taking a puff from his cigar.

"You'll find the documents for MI6 operatives in the third drawer to your left, if you need anything just shout for me" said Tanner.

"Good, thank you!" replied M, lighting up a Lonsdale.

"MI6 will resume duties as usual from here onwards," said Tanner. "Anything I can get for you?"

"A fresh cup of Earl Gray perhaps," said Greensbury.

"We need to think about a replacement for Bond," suggested Tanner.

"Out of the question, he is irreplaceable. We need to try to bring him back to active duty. By the way there's reports coming in that Bond is in India, any idea why that is?" asked Greensbury.

"No idea, no idea at all sir. Had an eye on him for a while, but she failed to report" said Tanner.

"Failed to report? Have you tried sending anyone else?" asked Greensbury.

"I figured if a supermodel didn't get him back here no one would. She did say there's something strange about Bond, that he's had his mind on other things ever since he met Dr. Swann. We may need him soon for an important mission, Mr. Greensbury" suggested Tanner.

"Greensbury? Ha, silly man. From now on, call me M. Only...M!" replied Greensbury, AKA the new M.

Brief flashback to Bond at a beach:

Bond was sitting underneath a tree. An aesthetically pleasing auburn-haired English woman was sitting on the branch of it.

"How's it bloody going up there, stranger?" asked Bond, taking a sip of his dry martini.

"I'm doing fine," replied the woman.

"As fine as you look?" asked Bond.

"Fine, just fine. Don't pretend you don't know who I bloody am. Also, what brought you to the beach?" asked the woman.

"Beauty and enchantment, of course. I must have the pleasure of knowing the name of those two qualities" said Bond.

"Remember me? I'm Gala Brand, a part of the Special Branch! Ever considered joining?" asked the woman, in a distinct British accent.

"Oh? Is that it? I'm tempted to. But you and MI6 will be pleased to know where I'm going next!" said Bond as he finished his drink.

"Where?" asked Gala looking confused.

"India," said Bond, adjusting his tie.

"INDIA? What? Hold on a minute, can you take me with you?" asked Gala. Bond approached Gala and smiled peacefully as he gazed into her eyes.

"Of course...not!" said Bond. Gala and Bond briefly embraced, and shared a quick kiss.

"I was sent here to evaluate your skills, and you pass with flying colors James" said Gala, as she slipped off of the branch into Bond's arms.

Bond's smartphone began ringing. It slipped out of his pocket, and then he saw a cat pick it up and run off with it. Bond bid a polite farewell to Gala and raced after the phone.

He could hear the voice of Felix as the small brown tabby cat ran off with the phone. Bond snatched it up out of his mouth.

"You may be a wonderful cat, but you've no business with anyone named Felix" said Bond. He picked up the phone.

"Okay Felix, I get it. Yes, yes. Well it's because something came up. Oh, alright I'll be there, this better be worth it" said Bond.

"What's the news? All of it good I hope. And who is that you were talking to?" asked Gala.

"I have an engagement that warrants my attention" said Bond.

"Don't I warrant your attention?" asked Gala, tossing back her flouncy hair striking a pose.

"I'm off to catch a flight to India" said Bond.

"Take me! Now!" shouted Gala in a provocative tone.

"Sorry Gala, but I'm on my way!" said Bond, walking away and adjusting his cufflinks, leaving Gala near the tree branch, bamboozled.

Later...

A man in a suit almost indistinguishable from Bond approached Bond, claiming to be his replacement. He placed a thumbdrive in Bond's hands.

"Take it as a token of my gratitude for your service to England. It is a confidential matter" said the man claiming to be 007.

"Alright then," replied Bond. "But you don't look like an agent to me" he added.

The man attempted to strike Bond with a martial arts move, Bond ducked, he then attempted to stab him, but Bond used a deadly Kinshi Waza judo strike on his neck, taking him down. Bond, breathing heavily, was not sure what was to become of himself.

He contacted MI6 and explained everything.

"Hello, is this Universal Exports? James Bond here. Your replacement just tried to kill me apparently" said Bond.

"007 failed to report because James Bond 007 killed him? That's rich," said Q. "Max Spang? I don't think he was our replacement for you. Report immediately

and deliver the thumb drive"

"It's being sent your way," said Bond. "I just used it. Very sensitive data. Someone was trying to make it seem as though I had stolen it, worse that I was a SPECTRE agent" he added.

"I'm renewing your license officially and electronically with your permission. Right, this is all the more reason we need you out of retirement. Please come back Bond" said Q.

"I still have a personal matter to attend to" replied Bond.

"I hate that bastard!" said Q as Bond disconnected the call.

THE STORY FINALLY BEGINS:

We join Bond, in India:

Wednesday, Festival of Lights, City of New Delhi, India:

SPECTRE opened up with a festival, so I thought I'd essentially continue the tradition. This time one that is held in India and meant to represent life, and triumph of good over evil.

An amalgamation of lights, colors, and festivities brought brilliance to the night, as James Bond viewed the city that was filled to the brim with coruscant conviviality.

He was in his helicopter on loan from MI6, he had visited India during this time occasionally in the past while on vacation to partake in recreational activities, but this time was different as he hovered in front of a seemingly abandoned building, the tone became darker, as he observed a captive woman surrounded by four hooded men. Although this wasn't an official mission, Bond was no stranger to danger, Felix had told him an important person in the area was potentially in danger, and he wasn't about to let a lady remain in trouble. The men were shocked to see the smiling face of a secret agent being lowered from a wire in front of their window.

"For your eyes only, chumps," Bond whispered outside the window in a determined tone.

Bond crashed through said window, and using a silenced Walther PPK, he quickly disposed of the men with cold precision. He then freed the woman who had been tied up against the wall.

She thanked Bond, but with nervous acquiescence in her voice.

Her eyes were soulful and green, like emeralds.

"Thank you, I must know your name" said the Indian woman.

"Bond, James Bond. For real," replied Bond earnestly.

"I am Aditi, Aditi Aparna," replied the woman.

"No need to look so frightened anymore" said Bond.

"Why shouldn't I? I've been through a lot!" said Aditi.

"You're going to be okay. Those evil men are gone," explained Bond.

"I will? They are?" asked Aditi.

"I assure you my intentions are strictly honorable," replied Bond. "I'm here to rescue you"

Bond observed the blood-soaked floors. They were covered in rings containing the symbol of an octopuss.

"Well, you've certainly earned yourself a ring collection" said Bond.

"No thank you, they had terrible taste in jewelry" said Aditi.

"Well, we'd best get out of here" said Bond. He and Aditi grabbed onto the wire and lowered themselves out of the building slowly.

"This wouldn't make a bad selfie now would it?" said Bond, pulling out his smartphone and photographing him and Aditi.

"Do you know who I really am?" asked Aditi.

"Who?" asked Bond.

"I'm the daughter of the Prime Minister of India" replied Aditi. Bond's eyes widened.

"Well, that makes things ten times more interesting" said Bond. He then received a call from MI6 demanding to know his whereabouts. Bond had heard that a very large criminal group was resurfacing, and Bond kept having to explain that yes indeed it was SPECTRE and that he had obtained proof.

"The people that took me. They are a very powerful criminal group. They have their hands in any dark deed you can think of. I mean anything!" said Aditi.

"She was probably kidnapped and given off to a horrible ring with lots of slimy tentacles," thought Bond.

Bond and Aditi finally landed in front of a crowd of civilians, almost appearing to have floated down from Heaven.

Why you ask? The wire they were lowered from was invisible, and the helicopter was high above and cloaked.

The citizens decorated Bond and Aditi in wreathes of flowers and jewels. Bond and Aditi laughed.

"Well, I must be going now, incognito that is, think fondly of me!" said Bond.

"No, you must stay" said Aditi, clutching onto Bond's suit. Felix lowered some more invisible wire that clasped onto Bond from behind, launching Bond into the air.

Everyone in the crowd was amazed.

Cue theme:

There's nothing more to give, there's nothing more to say.

Time flies by so fast, there's never just one more day.

The end is near some say, but that's superstition's way.

Every thought in the brain of a master agent always starts from our minds own clay.

For them a killing isn't work, it's all just merely play.

Evil lurks in every corner, there's only one way left to keep it eternally at bay...

Stop Spectre Forever Today! Yeah, you gotta stop, stop Spectre…..forever today!

Starring Daniel Craig and at times Roger Moore's spirit as Bond.

Starring Dr. Swann as Dr. Swann, with a Lea Seydoux stunt double.

Starring Ernst Stavro Blofeld as Blofeld.

Christopher Lee's spirit as Scaramanga.

AND MORE!

Meanwhile...….

Somewhere outside a barber shop in the United States:

It was a cloudy day in the Fall. The air was cool, yet discreet without breeze. Voluminous tires gripped, greased, and strangled the rough edges of the road mercilessly, then relinquished their hold to pardon a criminal, as a certain Francisco Scaramanga departed from his vehicle, a shiny Bentley Continental.

He was a man about thirty five years of age, 6 ft 3 inches tall, brown eyes and grayish hair in a crew-cut. His eyes seemed to almost glow at times, and they beamed brilliantly to showcase the great many iniquities of his soul. He possessed a high-quality single-shot machine that fired a custom-built 4.2-millimeter golden (23-carat gold with traces of nickel) dum-dum bullet that was illustrious in its history. For backup purposes of which he was dubious about, he also carried a long-barreled, gold-plated, single-action Colt Peacemaker .45 caliber revolver that shot fine crafted silver-jacketed bullets possessing a gold core. Each gun could be disguised as a beautiful cigarette case, fountain pen or almost any household utensil you could think of. Almost. Maybe not a television remote.

Scaramanga made his way to an outdoor table and sat on a chair.

Two men were now seated by said outdoor table. One was the aforementioned man, Scaramanga. He was mostly freelance, but he did work for a mysterious unnamed organization that rigged races, as well as drug-smugglers and other various criminal groups. He felt he was free, anonymous, independent, and he liked it that way. The other man was a jockey. He had just won the most important race of his life.

"Scaramanga, my old friend. You attended the race I take it?" asked the jockey.

"A fine display of skill and prowess. You do realize that everyone within my circle and their mothers expected Loud Whisper to win that race?" said Scaramanga, a tall man with brown eyes that pierced the spirit.

"No, not really. My horse Shy Smile was the national favorite" replied the jockey. Shy Smile was the horse the jockey rode to the finish line, despite the injections given to Loud Whisper.

"Ah, you're not correct. Mark my words, Loud Whisper was supposed to win. Well, looks like about time for your haircut. The whole area is under new management" said the strange man.

"New management? That's a shame, Joe's the only barber for me" replied the jockey.

"Oh, it's not an issue. Ask for Wint and Kidd, two professionals, very good at cutting" said Scaramanga in a distinctly cold tone.

"Will do," replied the jockey, entering the establishment.

"Sounds like someone is having a bad hair day," muttered Scaramanga to himself, as a faint scream could be heard.

Another man, about eighty-five or so was reading a newspaper and sipping coffee.

He was seated one table across. He spoke some words.

"Exactly who might you be old chap?" asked the man, wearing dark sunglasses. He looked a tiny bit like Major Gowen from Fawlty Towers.

"Me? My name is Francisco Scaramanga. I would stay, but seeing as I skipped my lovely succulent breakfast I'm not in high enough spirits" said Scaramanga.

"I see, indeed!" said the old man. Scaramanga continued speaking.

"Just so you know, I have impeccable judgement, and I have the distinct pleasure of being a part of the most powerful organization in the world" said Scaramanga.

"Oh, sure" said the paper-reading man, laughing.

"Silence is golden, and so are my bullets" said Scaramanga, aiming his gun at the man. The old man saw Scaramanga apparently floating up into the air. Before making sure he hadn't been drinking too much coffee, he looked up in awe as Scaramanga kept seemingly lifting himself higher and higher into the atmosphere. In reality, some invisible wire had been clasped to him from a helicopter above. The helicopter had words marked on it that read:

ZORIN INDUSTRIES

Note: Yes, I did just give Scaramanga his own Bond intro, similar to Bond's as he is the anti-Bond.

Zorin Industries was of course a subsidiary of the most powerful criminal group ever:

Spectre! Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence Terrorism Revenge and Extortion. This is the group we will focus on in our story. And we join them now in their headquarters, somewhere in Rome:

Chapter 1:

A large table could be seen. Many people were seated in front of it. A lone man in a huge throne-like chair stood out amongst the pack.  
"All the excitement in London rang a distant bell," said the voice of Carlos, a large burly mustachioed man dressed dressed a tiny bit like Oddjob but wearing sunglasses, and an exorbitant golden suit.

"Excitement? What excitement in London are you talking about?" asked a man seated at his chair.

"Don't play dumb. You know full well what I am referring to" replied Carlos.  
"I tried to save him, it-it-it was Bond, you have to understand, he made an impossible shot!" said the man who flew Blofeld's helicopter (died in the movie roll with it).

"You know the rules, I'm the godfather now, what I say goes, this is a dedicated fraternity that relies on the upmost strength and integrity of its members, that means no losers here" said Carlos, lighting up a cigarette and taking a puff from it.

"No, please have mercy" shouted the former pilot.

"You no understand? I read the manual, no losers, bold print, this organization does not tolerate failure" replied Carlos.

"Do me a favor then, make it quick" said the pilot.

"Also against the rules. Mr. Hinx is apparently on civil service duties? Guards take this bug bitten fool away, give him a very good drink" said Carlos.

The pilot was taken into a room with a large body of water containing sharks, and he then became the meal of said sharks.

"Señor Carlos, you were not the first choice for replacing Mr. Blofeld, but you have certainly proven yourself by killing his strong would be succesor" said General Pomerov, a former KGB spy.

"Does anyone have any problems with me being in charge? Anyone willing to challenge my position?" asked Carlos.

"There's no problem," replied a sly man known as Scaramanga.

"Good. Now then, James Bond killed my partner in crime, Franz Sanchez. He was a good man, honorable!" said Carlos

"Tell us more about your brother in crime" said Max Zorin.

"Loved animals. He carried an Iguana on his shoulder with him everywhere he went in public appearances. I loved Sanchez almost as much as I love the money I make with my business. I'm more qualified than anyone to destroy Mr. Bond, and replace Blofeld as supreme author of his pain" said Carlos.

"You intend to ensure Bond's future is shaken, stirred, and utterly imploding on itself. Haha, good, good!" said Zorin, but not before his cold blooded laugh.

"What is your connection to Bond?" asked Ramirez.

"Oh, a long time ago in California we played bridge," said Zorin thinking himself clever.

Later, the SPECTRE meeting was basically over save for a few closing statements...

"I hate to interrupt Number One, especially after such touching closing statements for our meeting, but I have an announcement of my own to make" said Zorin.  
"Your precipitous intervention has ushered in quite an inauspicious beginning to an otherwise  
wonderfully productive evening, Mr. Zorin" said Carlos.  
"I assure you, I will take care of all negotiations from here onwards!" said Zorin.

"What the hell do you mean by that? Do you think SPECTRE decisions are made easily?" asked Carlos.

"It will be...smooth sailing, as some would say, ah-ha-ha!" said Zorin.

"Smooth sailing? Haha, you put a high price on yourself saying that. I am Carlos Ramirez, number one drug kingpin in Spain, there is no one who compares with me" replied Carlos, a man who spoke in a heavy accented deep voice, with great equanimity that rivaled that of Zorin and Hugo Drax combined.

"Well look, I think I may have just the deal for you. In recent years I have aquired partnerships with several corporations who are more than willing to  
put into prospect my ambitions. My ambitions are your ambitions, that is, if we reach an agreement" said Zorin.

"Are we pitting nations against each other, or playing ring around the rosie with rogue world powers or what? What's your profession again? Potato chip mogul?" asked Carlos.

"I haven't the time. You must learn some knowledge I gained from Blofeld about how things are run here. Rest of our discussion must of course be confidential" explained Zorin.

"You do not speak to me that way! You answer to me! Loyalty is the most important value here at Spectre, and you know as much about it as you do the anus of a shoefly! I decide how our discussions are carried out!" shouted Carlos, slamming the table violently with his fist.

"Look, Carlos. I am simply making a request. May we discuss our terms somewhere else?" asked Zorin.  
"Excuse me, gentleman, this meeting is adjourned. Called off, kaput. Me and Zorin are going to go discuss terms for our global project" said Carlos.

"In that case, I shall introduce our newest recruits to our latest splendors of gadgetry. I've designed lots of little beauties!" said Scaramanga.

"Actually, I design most of them. Scaramanga shows them to people" said Dr. No.

"Ahem. You are forgetting someone, your main man!" said Mr. Auric Goldfinger.

"Ah, yes. Well, Goldfinger and I design most of the gadgets for SPECTRE" said Dr. No.

Wint and Kidd's Second Job:

A young man had discovered a strange deserted area in the desert storing packets of meth crystals.

"I'd better call the police!" shouted the man in a panic.

Wint and Kidd were waiting for him, guarding the area with a huge bucket of boiling mud.

"Call? In a desert this large? It must be tiring," said a creepy voice. "Being alone in the desert with no water for so long,"

Wint and Kidd grabbed hold of the man and bound him and gagged him.

"Who the hell are you? Oh shit, fuck, no way! Aaaaaaaaugh!" screamed the young man in a mumbling tone as he was drenched with boiling mud, repeatedly.

"Odd, I don't recognize him anymore, not as talkative, Mr. Kidd," said Wint, after the job was ultimately done.

"He's just a bit burnt out on life, Mr. Wint" replied Mr. Kidd.

"Yes. Some people are more shy than others, but they all tell a story in their own way, Mr. Kidd!" said Mr. Wint in an eerily comforting tone.

"Curious, how anyone who goes near those crystals has an accident!" replied Mr. Kidd.

Meanwhile, at a hotel Bond received an encrypted top secret voice message on his cell phone:

"Bond, this is Q Branch, we need you to get back in the field, out of retirement. M still wants my balls for Christmas ornaments, Moneypenny is delerious, and the terrorist group SPECTRE is rebranding itself and planning more attacks. Developed some new gadgets for you 007, but remember, I have cats to feed.

Also, what the hell were you doing in India?

From MI6 with love, Q"

Event 1: Châteauneuf-du-Pape

It wasn't typical of James Bond to find himself in dilapidated areas that lacked the refined gravitas of said agent. But it was a testament to the  
grittiness of his resolve that he would enter such a place in the beginning, a seemingly abandoned warehouse in the middle of the desert.  
He took several shots at some old wine glasses, shattering them into pieces, not  
even taking in usual concerns about alarms being set off or guards gone wild. Bond had within him what the Greeks would call the power of Thrasos, and he was viewing this particular situation as though he were in some sort of lucid dream, not an actual mission. He began hearing explosions from the nearbye room, so he kicked down the door, with his Walter PPK in tow, armed and poised for pistol action. He saw two men mixing together several solvents, powders, and acids. This was an illegal operation, the creation of meth amphetamines. Bond, gun drawn and aimed at the heads of the two men, slowly entered the room.  
"Don't even breathe," said Bond. "Don't flinch an eye either. Who are you men working for?"  
"Señor Bond, we work for no one but ourselves, we're just metallurgists" replied Sanchez, one of the men, his hands up in the air.  
"I don't believe you for a second," said Bond, grappling up Sanchez under his forearm, and aiming his gun at his head. The other man attempted to draw his  
gun and shoot Bond, but Bond opened fire on him, shooting him in the chest, dead at point blank range.

"Bond, wha-wha-what are you doing?" shouted Sanchez.

"You apparently want bullets for breakfast, don't you?" said Bond in a cold voice.  
"Bond, you don't know what you're up against" said Sanchez, panting nervously. Bond saw that armed guards were beginning to enter the room, after hearing  
all the shots fired.  
"Oh, I think I do, pimps, punks, and a putz" said Bond, shooting Sanchez, and after adjusting his cufflinks briefly, he entered the next room guns blazing the living daylights out of the opposition, while taking cover behind steel barrels time to time.

"Then again, I don't really give a damn, I just want you all dead as moth guts splattered on a window" said Bond, ditching his Walther PPK and replacing it with none other than a Browning M2 50 caliber machine gun. Again, he felt as though he were in a dream. More guards were coming towards him.

Bond then saw some explosives.

"If you're ever in a jam, just make toast! No, this is a meth lab. No way. But the urge...ok!" said Bond, shooting the explosives and sending the guards flying.

Surprisingly Bond was still alive and there was no major consequences, toxic air, or zombies. This was certainly a dream.

He began shooting down guard after guard pulling off headshots effortlessly, until they were all dropping to the floor like flies. Eventually, he came across who seemed to be in charge of the operation, sitting in a wooden chair in front  
of a desk.  
"Damn! My own man turned against me, no that's not quite it, another informant ratting me out to the CIA, MI6, the FBI? IMF? Oh wait, no. Some newbie I don't even recognize" muttered the man.

"You're looking at Bond, James Bond!" said Bond. The man sitting in front of the chair reached for his gun.

"You are a thorn in my side, Mr. Bond!" said the man. But he was completely out of bullets.  
"Am I looking at the bellicose bellwether of bullshit? Am I?" asked Bond.

"You could be looking at the belweather of many things, Mr. Bond. Bullshit is only one of my many enterprizes, though I do admire its  
shape, its brilliance" replied the strange mustachioed man. Bond now could tell he was in a dream, as this statement made little to no sense.

"What is your name? Come on, tell me your name or I'll find out the easy way" said Bond.  
"And what might that be, eh?" asked the man.  
"I'll look at the credit card attached to your pathetic corpse, and then toss you in a bloody trash bin for the vultures to feed on" replied Bond.

"I am but a lowly businessman in the humble service of Carlos Ignatius Ramirez. He's the big fish for your frying pan, not me" said the man, who lept out the window at lightening speeds, breaking the glass and running away outside. Bond followed in pursuit, as fast as his feet would carry him, all the way to the edge of a cliff. Bond cornered the drug dealer with his gun drawn to his head.  
"One last chance, who are you?" asked Bond. "Give me everything or nothing," he added.  
"I told you, I'm nobody, I've given you all the information you need, I'm no help anymore" replied the man.  
"You know what? I think you're bloody well correct, thank you!" said Bond, kicking the man off the edge of the cliff. But he let out a parachute, and escaped.  
"Oh, rats" said Bond. He then saw a bottle of French wine roll up in front of him, as if out of nowhere. A note was on the botttle:

Châteauneuf-du-Pape, mixed with Absinthe. Love, XOXO Madaleinn Swann.

"What the holy hell kind of bullocks has she been giving me?" Bond thought.

He wondered if he would start to hallucinate, as absinthe allegedly has such properties, though unconfirmed.

Surely Swann, the best Bond girl wasn't a SPECTRE defector.

Oh god that rhymed. Anyway, back to the story:

"This is certainly surreal," Bond murmured. He looked  
at the date. It was current, so he began drinking. He thought he heard an old record playing the song "Underneath the Mango Tree," then he woke up.

Yeah, it was all a dream. Or an all time high. We'll take on the world and win, doing so much more than falling in love.

BOND WAS IN BED IN HIS APARTMENT IN BRISTOL, ENGLAND.

"Bond," said a tipsy female voice. "Bond, you have been drinking and dreaming again" she added.

Bond opened his eyes to find himself in bed, beholding the glorious sight of a well-endowed Dr. Swann in a maids cap, wearing a French black backless dress with yellow trim, with a skirt far above knee length, and a half-apron of lace. She sported fingerless gloves as well.

Though we all know Swann wouldn't dress like that. So Bond was hallucinating. Either that or the wine was making Swann do her "crazy things" as mentioned in the movie Spectre.

"You are-how do I put this? I am very powerful. You are in my clutches!" said Swann, in a joking tone.

"What's going on here?" asked a slightly disoriented Bond.

"Actually Bond, your guess is as good as mine" said Swann.

"I was just in the middle of a mission!" said Bond.

"So it's true, you are still a spy aren't you? You were on a mission Wednesday night, I'm now sure. Once a spy, always a spy, naughty boy!" said Swann, placing her index-finger on Bond's nose.

"So what if I was? And why are you dressed like that? You should be in your doctor clothes, this is unbecoming of a professional like you," said a drunk James Bond in a jovial joking tone, while chuckling.

"I am in my doctor clothes, Mr. Bond" replied Swann.

"I must be dreaming," said Bond.

"I wish you had been dreaming Wednesday in India. If you retire, will you start collecting rare guns and blowing up toy trains?" asked Swann.

"If you speak your native tongue to me, nothing like nostalgia I suppose. Or strawberries and grapes! Open your tunnel, will you?" said Bond, slowly and sensuously feeding Swann pieces of chocolate covered fruit, which she continuously begged for.

"Mm, thank you Mr. Bond! I would like to go to India with you next time. On a flying carpet, decked out in jewels of all colors" said Swann.

"That could be arranged I suppose. I feel a tad bit strange. Do I need a checkup?" asked Bond.

"If by checkup, you mean your blood alcohol level, then yes" replied Swann.

"I'm hysterical!" shouted Bond. Swann slapped him in a playful and oddly loving fashion.

"So different," said Bond. He continued, "You're the spiciest love I've ever had. You match me, don't you?"

"Yes, but it's beyond that, I complete you. Don't think this is zeh moment you win. Now then, your level," replied Swann.

"It's not high enough yet, is it?" asked Bond.  
"No," replied Swann, going to the kitchen of their Bristol apartment. She came back with a vintage red tinted bottle.  
"Châteauneuf-du-Pape, for ze bellweather of wine-bibbers, no? Zat makes both of us, Mr. Bond. We are both ze belweathers of wine-bibbers" said Swann, pouring some wine into a glass.

"It needs some absinthe, excuse me for a second" said Swann, who was not aware of its full powers or impact, due to the fact it never affected her.

When both their glasses were filled, Bond and Swann clung them together.  
"To a long, happy, carefree life for a renewed man and woman, our previous lifestyles behind us" said Swann.  
"To you, Dr. Swann, to both of you" said Bond, seeing double.

"We have been through so much," said Swann.

"How do you suppose Blofeld is doing?" asked Bond, chuckling.

"Oh, stop it Bond," said Swann. "Let's talk about us"

"I let loose that day with you at the motel more so than any other in my entire life. And to think I was on a deadly mission. It must be love, Dr. Swann, I'm no stranger to it" said Bond.

"Do you know what I like about you best?" asked a tipsy Swann.

"What?" asked Bond.

"James, it's zeh way zat you hold me, whenever you hold me" said Swann, nearing tears.

She began covering Bond in soft kisses so powerful that they could disrobe lovers without undressing them.

They embraced sensuously and kissed with vigerous passion for a good fifteen seconds. Just as she was beginning to undo the buttons on his shirt, Bond then realized Dr. Swann was in a knee length white overcoat with buttons on it. She was looking like her usual psychiatrist self, much to Bond's surprise, disorienting him.

Bond began freaking out, flailing his arms, thinking he had to reach for his gun to fight the drug cartel. He started yelping. Swann slapped him again.

"Make them go away, doctor. Make the bad people go away!" said Bond.

"There's only two bad people in the room Mr. Bond," replied Swann, before letting out a soft moan.

"Just you and me eh? You look like bloody Blofeld wearing that" protested a hallucinating Bond.

"It's me, James, ze author of all your pain" said Swann in a mocking tone, having fun. "It's always been me" she added, scrunching up her nose.

"Help me Swann!" yelled Bond.

"Do you need an anesthetic injection, Mr. Bond?" asked Swann, reaching for her coat pocket.  
"No, no, please no. God in heaven, no" replied Bond.

"Are you sure?" asked Swann, giving Bond an icey cold stare. The aforementioned stare was idiosyncratic to Dr. Swann's character.

"No, it's the kind of thing I'm not particularly privy to. Tell me, Dr. Swann, what made you change?" asked Bond.  
"I didn't change. These are my doctor clothes" replied Swann.  
"When I saw you earlier, you were wearing long tight latex stockings, an apron, a black dress and a maids cap" said Bond.  
"Based on the murder and mayhem in your mind during sleep, the hallucinations, both auditory and visual, I would probably diagnose you with very mild schizoaffective disorder" said Swann.  
"Oh too bad it's only mild I was rather enjoying it for a while" said Bond.

"There is no way you derived pleasure from it" replied Swann.

"I enjoyed the part where you came," replied Bond.

"Well, there are of course the misplaced unethical doctor patient concupiscent desires, we'll get to those soon, I know just how we can deal with them" said Swann.

"Sounds interesting" replied Bond.

"You were always a double-o to me. But, that's okay, it's just a number" said Swann.

Later that day...

"So, Bond, where are we going? We're not going anywhere in zat lemon, I am afraid. My father would not have been caught dead driving something like that"  
said Swann.  
"He had poor taste. There's nothing wrong with it. It just needs new spark plugs" said Bond laughing.  
"New spark plugs. That's a good one, I'd prefer a Mrs. 007 licence plate" said Swann sarcastically.  
"Yes, quite. Well, are we going? Hampshire or Burton Town in Sumerset?" asked Bond.  
"Oh, I haven't decided yet. I was thinking more along the lines of Dungeness Beach" said Swann.  
"You must be joking, you must be" said Bond.  
"Yes," replied Swann. "But let's book a flight there anyway, for laughs," she added, giggling up a storm.

Swann was much more vivacious than usual.

"Yes, let's do that, let's book a flight to Dungeness Beach, it's a very good idea" replied Bond earnestly.

Later...

A not so rational Bond and Swann made reservations for the only living hotel in Dungeness Beach, England's only desert, and proprety to many strange power plants, and even stranger natural plants. Okay maybe not that strange. Swann kept urging Bond to slow down.

"Bond, slow down. Stop this car now or we crash and burn" said Swann.

"We can do whatever we bloody well like to do Swann. We have all the time in the world!" said Bond. But the car slid down a slope and headed straight

into a large garage-like area as Bond slammed the brakes.

"Push that button near your seat!" shouted Bond.

"What button iz it?" asked Swann.

"It doesn't matter, push it!" said Bond, as he pushed a shiny blue button that read "Ejector Seat," as he and Swann were lifted into the air.

The car was a squabbling committee of flames. Bond and Swann had landed in a heap of garbage bags, Swann was in Bond's arms.

"We should do this more often" said Swann, as Bond fiddled with her hair gently and kissed her. Suddenly they were alarmed to hear Q's voice.

"Well well well, Jack and Jill went down a hill to strike a match and make fire apparently!" said Q.

"Q what the hell are you doing here?" asked Bond.

"I could ask you the same thing," said Q, coughing and pushing a remote and activating a Powerpoint-style wall presentation. Bond began brushing the dust

off of his fancy suit, and Swann did the same to her outfit.

"What is this place?" asked Bond. Q was coughing up a storm.

"This place is where you two decided you'd have a hot date apparently" said Q.

"Just tell me where the hell we are Mr. Q!" shouted Bond.

"Little did you know you two stumbled into government property. My private government property, that is. This is no place for a honeymoon. Judging by your behavior Bond it sounds as though you were given some kind of magical fairy elixer that fiddled with your brain" explained Q.

"Wha-wha-what is that carriage on the screen?" asked Bond.

"This is your new Aston Martin DB5 equipped with everything you need. Listen, there's no time to go into detail, just get out of my study. M thinks you've lost your marbles Bond, and someone is tracking you two you'd better get the hell out of here. You've got a steering wheel, radio, and a beautiful fuselage" said Q.

Bond and Swann got into a new car and left Q in the dust. Q took a look at the demolished car.

"I give you a device and this happens. This ALWAYS happens. Why God? Why?" mumbled Q.

Bond and Swann got a shiny new car with spy upgrades!

On the way to the hotel:

"Look at yourself," said Swann, holding up a mirror to Bond.

"No, I'm driving" replied Bond.

"Are you afraid of what you might uncover?" asked Swann.

"Yes," replied Bond. "A sense of bad mojo, and deja-vu" he said, as he looked through his rearview mirror to notice he and Swann were being followed by  
four KIA Spectras. The spectras took a turn and drove off, while a large black unmarked truck did indeed begin following Bond and Swann. The trucks windows were tinted in such a way they could not be seen through.  
"Those are Spectras, Bond, they have nothing to do with Spectre" Swann assured him. But just then, a barrage of bullets came from the windows of a large  
truck. Someone who looked an awful lot like Mr. Hinx began firing, alongside a machine-gun toting blonde blue eyed man in a suit, and a mustachoied Spanish gentleman.

"Q forget to delete a few of those perfectly non traceable files on you eh?" said Swann, ducking, and reaching for her gun.  
"This is what happened last time, but I'm not going to let it happen again, it's Blofeld" said Bond, having a flashback.

"What should we do?" asked Swann.

"Like I always say, if you're ever in a jam, just make toast" replied Bond.

He pulled out a Browning M2 50 caliber machine gun and began blasting at the gas tank of the truck, but missed. He then pushed a button next to the gear shifter of his car, activating a Q device  
which set out a grappling hook that caught on to the truck, like a fly on sandpaper. Bond then began steering his vehicle around and around, then relinquished  
his grip from the button, but not before asking Swann what kind of mental disorder she'd diagnose the SPECTRE goons with. The lady was indeed a licensed psychiatrist after all.

"Let's see, they're clearly from the revenge department avenging Blofeld's arrest," said Swann.

"Yes, so what do you diagnose these twits with?" asked Bond.

"I'd say they have severe attachment issues!" replied Swann.

The truck then burst into flames, but the three men in it activated Ejector seats, sending them flying in the air.

A fat man with a Louisiana accent who happened to be on vacation witnessed the event.

"I ain't never done that before! What the hell is going on around here? Must be the work of that English secret agent from here in England again!" said the man.

Another voice in the far distance could also be heard saying the following words:

"JW Pepper? Where are youu?" JW blocked the sun by placing his arm over his forehead. He attempted to make out what appeared to be his wife in the distance, wearing a floppy purple hat. His wife was called Mable.

"Mable, Mable! You ain't never gonna believe this!" said JW Pepper.

"What happened JW?" asked Mable.

"Right when I was minding my own business, eating some chicken tenders and a Crispy Creme, I saw three people flyin' through the air attached to car seats" replied JW.

"JW you ain't seen nothing. Why don't you come back to the hotel you need some rest" said Mable.

"Mable, I swear! I ain't makin' this up, hell I'd tell the BBC, CNN, the Food Network, Geraldo Rivera, Ancient Aliens. Mable, I'd even make the History Channel!" said JW.

"JW, lay off of those Crispy Creme donuts for a while. Might do ya some good" replied Mable.

"Mable, why did you drag us out here? This ain't no flippin' god damn beach!" said JW.

"I wanted to see England, JW!" replied Mable.

"England? This looks like Egypt. Or Siberia, Russia in Russia. Or that Area 51 American military base in America!" said JW. JW heard a young woman's voice

in the distance.

"Hey! Hey Daddy, it's me! I graduated from criminal justice!" said the high squeaky voice.

"Mable, our spicy little pepper is calling out to us!" said JW.

Pele A. Pepper was JW's surprisingly beautiful blonde adopted twenty six year old daughter. She was in the process of entering the police force, just like her dear old dad.

She was cute, sweet, and well-meaning, but fell in love at the drop of a hat.

She was named after a Hawaiian fire goddess, her full name meaning "Hot Pepper".

Pele loved to watch NASCAR with JW. But we'll deal more with her later in the story. A little bit.

Her middle name is Agnimetra.

Later, at the hotel:

Swann was getting dressed/undressed for a night of bonding with Bond.

"I told you I can't live like this, always being on the run from people. What am I gonna do with you?" said Swann.

"I don't know I'm convinced you handle yourself pretty well," said Bond. Swann took this as a compliment.  
"Do you mind if I dress myself in front of you, Bond?" asked Swann.  
"Nothing like a fashion show before dinner" replied Bond. Swann looked out the window to see a lone phone booth in the middle of nowhere.  
"Bond, are payphones still a thing?" asked Swann.  
"In the middle of the desert probably not" replied Bond.  
"You think it's a front for something else? I'm going to go look" said Swann.  
"No, don't, it's too dangerous" replied Bond.  
"I saved your life from Mr. Jinx back on the train!" shouted Swann.

"You saved my life the first time I saw your eyes" replied Bond. Swann's expression suddenly changed from angry to sad.

"What did you mean about 'last time' when you were talking in the car?" asked Swann.

"I-I-I..it's nothing. Listen, if you want to go see what's out there be my guest, we have all the time in the world" said Bond. No sooner had Bond uttered these words, Swann glanced at Bond as though she were looking into his soul. She felt they were important to him from his past.

"We have all the time in the world, where is that from? Tell me, I promise I won't be upset" said Swann.

"Well, what if all the time in the world just was not enough? Hello? The world is never forever, it never was. Baccarat, casinos, sex, chills, kills, thrills, none of it!" said Bond.

"Elaborate for me, please" replied Swann.

"I wanted something more than the world, and you gave that to me, but a long time ago someone else did, I lost her, now I have someone I feel much stronger for and that's you" said Bond.

"Go on then, go on, let it out!" said Swann.

Bond breathed heavily, and let out a hearty sigh.

"My days as a womanizer would not have been as long had the few women I truly cared about not vanished. I don't want to lose you, again" said Bond. His eyes looked very slightly watery, but in Bond's mind they were alligator tears. Swann saw something deeper in all this hooplah. She felt she had to pry it out of him no matter how much pain it caused him. The ramifications were just too huge in Swann's mind.

Somewhere within the confines of the cold-blooded exterior of James Bond was a heart and soul. Or was there? She was mostly comparing him to her own self, on the outside cold and no nonsense hardcore assassin, but on the inside Swann was perhaps something different as well.

"Again? You don't want to lose me, again? How did that slip out of your mouth? That's an odd way of putting it" replied Swann.

"The-the-world is never forever," said Bond clearing his throat. "It's not enough. Look, it's not something I'd readily admit to just anyone, it hurts my pride"

"What? Say that again? The World is Never Forever? That's on my family crest!" shouted Swann.

"Moneypenny did some quiet digging on everyone who worked at the Center for National Security. She's obsessed with you! Has been for a long time" replied

Bond.

"So you found out about my private details through Moneypenny?" asked Swann.

"Be careful, the ears of Blofeld are everywhere, he may have even escaped from his cell" replied Bond.

Bond saw a text from MI6: SPECTRE NOW IN LOVING TENDER HANDS OF MAX ZORIN, MICROCHIP MOGUL, NAZI EXPERIMENT, AND FORMER KGB. Report immediately.

Bond looked horrified after seeing his cell phone text. But Swann looked even more horrified looking at a little black Bachelor's book on the table.

"Bond, who in the bloody hell are Pussy Galore, Plenty O' Tool, Tiffany Case, Agent 99, Agent XXX, Pele A. Pepper, Xenia Onattop, and Honey Ryder?" asked Swann.

"Friends," replied Bond in a solumn tone. "I've got bigger issues right now" he added.

"Friends? Are you sure? They sound like a bunch of-oh, never mind they are probably fine people on the inside!" said Swann.

"Try not to think about it" said Bond.

"Holly Goodhead huh?" said Swann. "I'll be damned if I let myself have that name"

"Shut up, I'm trying to reach MI6" said Bond.

"Fatima Blush, are you blushing yet Bond?" asked Swann, continuing to read off the list.

"Haha, no, god this music sucks cock," said Bond, in a surprisingly non gentlemanly manner. Shaken or stirred? He doesn't give a DAMN.

"That looks like Mr. Hinx cleaning up trash outside" said Dr. Swann.

"Word is he's on civil service duties, but it's actually his brother Mr. Jinx" said Bond sarcastically.

"Emma Peel, now there's a name I love!" said Swann in an exuberant tone.

Later...

Swann attempted to find the mysterious phone booth much to Bond's disappointment. She found nothing but a note:

"WE'RE STILL WATCHING YOU BOND AND SWANN. WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE THROUGH THE BLOOD IN THE VEINS OF 007" Bond showed up on the scene.

"Spectre is still watching us. It's because of the smart blood nanodevices, Bond!" said Swann.

"Yes, Q's magic death potion. I'll have Q de-activate it as soon as I meet up with him" replied Bond.

"Hurry then!" shouted Swann.

"I want you to come with me, since M wants me in London. I want you to come with me" said Bond.

"No!" shouted Swann.

"Listen, Dr. Swann, with your past experience at the Center for National Security as well as your overall Oxford educated resume, you could get a new job at MI6

very easily" said Bond.

"I don't want to go on another adventure with you. I'd rather be shot!" said Swann.

"Listen, Swann, my license to kill isn't for that. It's now for shooting anyone who tries to tear us apart" said Bond.

"What? That is insane. Oh, I will come along for the trip. I can't live like this forever though!" said Swann.

"Every rose has its thorn I suppose," Bond muttered to himself.

Continued in Chapter 2. Go there now, the world may depend on it


	2. Chapter 2

James Bond chapter 2

Bond and Swann arrived in London. After a delightful breakfast at the Ledbury, they made their way to Vauxhaul, Southwestern Central London where MI6 Headquarters was located. After showing identification, Bond made his way into the building while Swann waited patiently in the car tending to her laptop.

Bond took an elevator to the floor where M's office was located. MoneyPenny was present on the way up.

"Good morning, 007. Was the weather alright?" she asked with a look of great concern. Bond did not answer. Instead, he put on a casual carefree look of complete and utter insouciance, as he adjusted his exorbitant tie, briefly glanced at his Rolex watch, and whistled a familiar tune anyone could relate to.

"Are you alright?" asked Moneypenny, her eyes traveling aspy to Bond's apparent calm and cool apathy. The elevator finally arrived at its destination. As the door opened, Bond turned to Moneypenny, pulling a rose out of his suit pocket and presenting it to her. Moneypenny lifted the rose up to her nose and sniffed it, then giggled.

"You're as charming as ever James, and your dedicated work ethic is very commendable" said Moneypenny as she seated herself at the desk of her reception room.

"My line of duty isn't all it's cracked up to be. I assume you've heard the recent news" said Bond.

"Yes, but knowing you're still alive and well is a comforting thought. M wants to see you. We shant waste too much time. Good luck, 007" said Moneypenny, gazing into Bond's eyes.

"Thank you. Oh, forgot to mention, I did bring you another little present for your troubles. I hear your last one had a little accident in the London rain," said Bond, placing a little black cell-phone on the reception desk.

"Well James, someone's certainly in a good mood today" said Moneypenny.

"Oh really? Where is that person? I wish we knew. Pity!" said Bond, adjusting his cufflinks and knocking on M's door four times. Gareth Malory had resigned due to a little incident with Q and the Chief of Staff, and a new man had taken his place as M. Colonel Greensbury, who also fought against the IRA.

He was one of Malory's closest wartime associates. He was much older than Malory and had noticeably gray hairs in back. He was a peaceful and wise old chap, but Q suspected he was senile.

"Morning 007. On a light note-did you know my cat chewed up your resignation inquiry?" asked M.

"No, I didn't. But your cat must have very good taste in handwriting" replied Bond.

"Come in, 007 plenty of things to go through" said M.

"Oh I'm sure. SPECTRE still mucking about, unbelievable," replied Bond.

"I'm afraid it's much worse than that, Commander," said M, taking a sip of coffee. He continued speaking "As it turns out, Spectre is merely an acronym for 'Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence Terrorism Revenge and Extortion,' I had this confirmed to me personally through intelligence diggings. Q and I have been working diligently on new ways to protect ourselves from cyber attacks, because if our technology goes out, so do we. We've received word that there are now many attempts to sabotage our communications, in an effort to prevent us from finding out what SPECTRE is up to.

Fortunately this hasn't pushed us back very much as we've already figured out some of their main initatives. The SPECTRE group has attempted to pay off many bodies, people, and organizations in exchange for silence regarding their crimes, including the worldwide meth chain run by Carlos Ramirez. Also, a suspicious rogue organization run by Mr. Pomerov in the mountains of Russia claims it decommissions nuclear reactors, and cleans them up supposedly to help the world.

I suspect either they themselves or moles within are doing so with ulterior motives, collecting the parts to sell them to terrorists, and that they are part of SPECTRE.

Recently, an attempt was made on the life of our prime minister in an effort to make it seem like another foreign power was responsible. Oh, you should read this," said M, giving Bond a packet of top-secret notes in a folder labeled OHMSS. Bond began reading the documents intensely.

"Good god, an attempt to assasinate the Head of Greece?" said Bond in a dramatic tone.

"Yes, Greece, on of our strongest allies. Your flight to Athens has been booked, and you will be departing there shortly. You are to meet with Felix Leiter, he'll be outside Casino Corfu and he will give you any further help you need tracking down that man," instructed M. "Are we clear?"

"Crystal sir," replied Bond with an earnest look in his eyes. Bond headed towards the door, but M kept hounding him.

"007, there's a spot of tea and a fudge brownie on my desk, you won't be needing it I take it?" asked M.

"No, afraid not" said Bond.

"Bond! Bond!" shouted M.

"I love you too," said Bond gently closing the door. "Contrary to popular belief, I am not a fan of tea," he added.

"But Bond, I wanted you to see this rather peculiar headline about your misadventure in India! You wouldn't believe what it says about you!" shouted M.

It was too late, however.

Bond left M's room, greeting Moneypenny again, this time much more casually. He took the elevator to the bottom level and went outside to check on Swann, hoping and praying she wasn't dead. And thankfully, she was alive and well. He was however quite surprised to see her and Q exchanging laptop stickers in the Aston Martin DB5. Q dubiously rolled down the window when he caught sight of Bond.

"What is it 007?" asked Q.

"Well, was she?" asked Bond.

"Excuse me, what are you asking? Or implying?" asked Q, nervous.

"I'm asking about Dr. Swann," replied Bond in a firm tone. "Was she accepted?" he asked, giving Q a harsh look as though he were interrogating a terrorist.

"Oh, yes. Yes, she was accepted into MI6. We ran a background check on her. Knows many languages fluently, good social and cognitive skills, relatively useful degree, she shapes up nicely" said Q.

"I'll see to it that she does!" said Bond.

"What?" asked Q.

"I said, I'll see to it that she does. Sorry Q, stressful day. I'm sure you've heard the news" said Bond.

"Yes," replied Q, munching on a cookie.

"So you know what this means right?" asked Bond.

"Of course. Right, well, let's get started going over the gadgetry shall we?" said Q.

Q took Bond and Swann to his lab. See what happens next in Chapter 3!

CHECK OUT CHAP. 3 NOW!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Q Gadgets

Note: For those wondering, the story about how James Bond got his name from Ian Fleming is actually true, google it, dude was into birds or something.

Q guided Bond and Swann into his giant garage-like lair of gadgetry and splendor. Well, gadgetry.

"I hear there's a very huge risk of our communications technology falling into the hands of the enemy," said Bond.

"Yes, quite. We're working on that" replied Q.

"You should be. So, I have to congratulate you on that Q Branch Car Clinger. Naughty little contraption, works quite well" said Bond.

"Right, well I upgraded that thing so there will be less chance of friction issues, the device has already been modified on your car. It is now wireless shall we say, no strings attached if you follow" said Q.

"I think I do. Anything else? A gun? A magnet? Another loud watch? A hand me down from your uncle?" asked Bond.

"Oh, spare me the humor 007. I've had a rough week, I'm in a bit of a hurry, and I'm also a bit on edge" said Q.

"Oh, well that's certainly nothing new, ahem, I mean certainly understandable. But the new boss can't be as rough on you as Malleroy" said Bond.

"No, it's not that, Bond. He doesn't understand everything about cyber security. I had to change all our passwords sixteen times because of him" said Q.

"Good heavens," said Bond. "That's awful isn't it?"

"By Jove, to make matters worse, I'm going to have to be the one to make sure you behave. Though you'll probably have more fun with a more lenient boss, won't you?" said Q.

"Well, that's certainly one way of looking at it Mr. Q!" said Bond.

"Well, from my view things are not shaping up so well!" said Q.

"Oh. Well, that's a pity. Not Christmas today, is it?" asked Bond. Q took a sip of coffee.

"I do have a few things up my sleeve," said Q smiling brightly at Bond. "Just so you know, this coffee is raising my spirits considerably"

"For your sake, it better be!" replied Bond, aiming a water pistol at Q and firing it. Q shook his head and made his way into a closet.

Q came back with a modified Walter PPK, a box containing a sniper's rifle and two radio transmitters, some cameras, and spiked shoes.

"Looks like some of those things should go together as a combined unit of destruction!" said Bond.

"First things first 007. You can't expect to operate any of this without my expert advice" said Q.

"Yes, quite, without your 'Q-tips' I'd have been dead long ago" replied Bond.

"Preparing gadgets is rather like mixing ingredients for a recipe" replied Q.

"Well if I get out of this alive and retire you me and Swann can host a cooking show" replied Bond.

"Oh now you have an image in my head that I'll never get rid of" said Q.

"Sorry Q. It's a bad habit" replied Bond.

"As you can see, Father Christmas may have come after all" said Q.  
"All his reindeer could make it I hope!" said Bond.  
"Oh, not quite all of them. Most of them" said Q, grinning. Swann was fiddling with the cameras.  
"Do these attach to something?" asked Swann.  
"Be careful with that," said Q. "I'll get to all that in a minute," said Q.  
"Oh, let her be. She's in this too you know, for the long haul" said Bond. Q showed Bond his modified gun.  
"Standard issue Walther PPK modified to only respond to your bio-signature. In short, only you can pull the trigger!" said Q.  
"Nice. Think I've seen that before. Anything else?" asked Bond.  
"A .308 Winchester with attachable laser sight for precision aiming and targeting. Again, encoded with your bio-signature" said Q.  
"Lovely. I think I could go pheasant hunting with this" said Bond, practicing his aiming. Swann could barely contain laughter.  
"Put that down. Immediately" said Q.  
"You're right Q. Think of the birds, beautiful creatures. Father named me after a name he saw on the cover of a Birdwatchers book!" said Bond.  
"Yes, magnificent. Had a pet parakeet once, still don't know what happened to it.

Foul play probably at the hands of your pistol. Ahem! Forget all that.  
Okay, so these are radio transmitters, until we work out the kinks in the Smart Blood program you'll be  
using these again for just a little while" said Q, handing out the transmitters for Bond and Swann.  
"Yes, well keep working on that magic death potion will you?" said Bond.  
"Yes, right, well I will however attach one of these to your gun. This way you are sure not to lose them" said Q.  
"And what else?" asked Bond.  
"Stone Cold Capture, we call this. This is an Identity Storage Unit to be used with extreme caution. It attaches to your  
smartphone, looks like a camera but it's much more than that. Tells the identity of anyone you point it at, can analyze  
anything in any language of your choosing, and can pay grocery bills from miles away" said Q.  
"Spare me that last part. How do you know it's accurate?" asked Bond.  
"Well, to be honest, we don't, but we try. Now then, for you Dr. Swann we have plenty of things to give you as well" said Q.  
"You should have given her the goods first. It's only proper. Ladies first!" whispered 007 in Q's ear.  
"Well, I've never been much of a ladies man now have I?" replied Q. Bond looked him in the eyes with what was either disapproval or confusion.  
"Oh?" inquired Bond.  
"Compared to you, I mean" said Q laughing.

Q began displaying some devices to Swann.  
"For you Doctor Swann, poison tipped shoe spikes, stolen from SPECTRE by the CIA and then given to us. Infused with the powers of the Hildebrande Rarity" said Q.  
"What is zeh Hildebrande Rarity?" asked Swann.  
"Oh, it's a fish or something. Not sure exactly. Ahem. Now, you get a Walter PPK, a snipers rifle, and a Barretta for backup. Fits well in a handbag" said Q.  
"Good. Well, do we have everything we need?" asked Swann.

"Here's poison resistant Q gloves for both of you!" said Q, handing out gloves. Bond and Swann smiled.

"Anything else for our unusually dangerous honeymoon?" asked Bond.  
"I do have one special thing for you Swann" said Q. He pointed her attention to a small device that looked like a thumbdrive, but wasn't.  
"This, my dear Swann is an automatic knife thrower. Very small, easy to conceal, and no one knows what it is until it hits them. Obviously, as with anything like this only use it when it is absoloutely necessary" said Q.

"Moneypenny and I recently practiced some knife throwing. I think I've become quite good" said Swann.

"Well then, only use it as necessary!" replied Q.  
"Ah. Such as right now?" asked Swann. Q backed away nervously. Swann activated the device and sent a knife almost directly towards Q but not quite.  
"What was that for?" asked Q.  
"Oh, for not serving me first" said Swann. "Come on Bond, lots to do!"  
"Goodbye Q, thanks for nothing!" said Bond jokingly. He then patted Q on the back. With that, they left.

Q stood by and watched the pair leave.

"Bond, you irresponsible scoundrel. If you two find a house made of candy run by a witch don't go inside!" muttered Q.

Check out Chapter 4! The world is counting on you!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Greek Games, Spies, and Intrigue

Evening...

Bond and Swann arrived in Greece. Extravagant stone pillars and beautiful statues surrounded them.  
"I once took a few classes in Cyprus" revealed Swann.

"Ah, did you? When was this?" asked Bond.

"When I was single" replied Swann in a breathy whispery voice.

"I see. Well, we must make our way to the Casino Corfu. Let me check my smartphone and I'll arrange for a taxi" said Bond.

"Casino Corfu? What for?" asked Swann.

"I'll be meeting with some Greek Intelligence spies as well as an American spy I've known for years, an old friend of mine" replied Bond.

"What am I to do?" asked Swann.

"Oh, when we get there I'm going to set you free to have as much fun as you want in the casino. I'll join you as soon as I'm done finding out what SPECTRE is planning" said Bond.

"What will I do for money?" asked Swann.

"Here's five hundred pounds, there should be a currency converter nearbye, I know the place well" said Bond.

"Thank you" said Swann.

"Don't mention it. Go gallivanting away in there, but be sure to give me a full report" replied Bond.

That night...

Bond and Swann arrived at the casino. It was pitch dark, but Bond could still see fairly well enough to not need night vision. His eyes couldn't help but notice an unusually old car, a 1948 Rolls Royce Silver Wraith parked behind the casino.  
"Now listen, I'm going to be going behind the casino. If anything goes wrong, contact me" said Bond.

"Right, Mr. Bond. I will contact you if anything goes wrong" said Swann. He could make out a slight giggle.  
"I'm not saying you can't handle things, I'm genuinely concerned. If anything goes wrong, contact me!" shouted Bond. Swann approached Bond, then looked into his eyes with intensity.

"Bond, if anything goes wrong, do you know who I'm going to contact?" she asked, putting her arms around Bond's head.

"Who?" asked Bond. She paused for almost ten seconds.

"My automatic knife thrower," said Swann, pulling in Bond for a deep kiss.

"Yes, yes. Yes Swann, mmm, yes. Of course. I knew that" said Bond, as she pulled away. Bond then proceeded behind the building as Swann entered the casino.  
He used his Stone Cold Capture device to identify a man standing against a pillar behind the casino. The device identified the man as Felix Leiter, CIA, due to his appearance. Bond greeted him accordingly, attempting to shake his hand.  
"Felix Leiter, you old rascal, you fiend, how have you been?" asked Bond. But suddenly, the man punched Bond in the face.  
"Hahahaaaa, I've been fantastic" said a strange voice that was definitely not Felix. Bond knew that Felix played terribly cruel jokes on him time to time, but this was certainly not Felix. Bond's instincts took control and he struck back at the fake Felix several times, then kicked him in the head, sending him straight to the ground.

When he rose up, Bond pulled out his silenced Walther PPK and shot him dead. Bond approached the dead body, hoping he had not killed his lifelong friend. He pulled a mask off of his face. It was certainly not Felix.

"British ingenuity," said Bond, thinking of the faulty identification device Q gave him.

Two other men wearing hoods approached Bond from behind with guns pointed at him.  
"We know who you are. We know why you're here. You're here to stop an assasination. But it will proceed! Make that two! Unless you give in to our demands!" said the strange men. But before they could kill Bond, a signal went off in Swann's phone due to a Q device linking Bond and Swann together. Swann left the building and saw the two men attempting to kill Bond. Swann pulled out her automatic knife thrower, pushed the switch and struck both wicked men dead with blinding accuracy. Bond looked behind him slowly,wondering if this would be his last moment.

But then he saw Swann, the apple of his affections staring back at him, proud, with her weapon in hand. He smiled.  
"You never were short of surprises Dr. Swann. Thank you," said Bond.

"It was a pleasure," replied Swann, blowing off dust from her device.

"Care to join me for some danger and intrigue?" asked Bond.

"No, I have business to attend to. They're playing my favorite game in there" replied Swann.  
"What would that be?" asked Bond.  
"Petteia!" replied Swann.  
"Are you sure that's not a kind of pastry?" asked Bond.  
"There are some things that even you do not know about" replied Swann. Bond was breathing heavily. He knew there were many men who wanted him dead. He could  
trust no one. Had Felix really arranged to meet him? Was MI6 duped into giving false information? He considered going into the casino to be with Swann, and that's  
when the unthinkable happened. Another man, this time swarthy and tall, who looked just like Felix Leiter approached him from behind, tapping him on the shoulder.  
"Oh good god. Who are you working for?" asked Bond, almost considering pulling out his gun.  
"Central Intelligence Agency, Mr. Bond. I see you just killed Felix Leiter. You don't just kill Felix Leiter and wait for the cops to arrive" said Felix.  
"Oh, come now. You're Felix Leiter. You are, aren't you?" said Bond. Bond and Felix examined the corpse of the men who were killed.  
The man pretending to be Felix was:

Kalent Samedi.  
Age: 38  
W/H: 6'7  
Sex: Male  
Occupation: Unknown

"Good lord, he matches the man in the dossier M gave me back in London! This man was going to assassinate the Greek president in a week, and I stopped him!" said Bond. Felix patted Bond on the back.  
"Good job, Mr. Bond. However there is a legend I was told as a child about a man named Baron Samedi rising from the dead and becoming a zombie. And the other man you killed?" asked Felix.

Simon Treblewarthus  
Age: 56  
Sex: Male  
W/H: 5'6  
Occupation: Unknown

Ned Travellion  
Age: 44  
Sex: Male  
W/H: 5'6  
Occupation: Unknown

"Well, we can only assume these men were allied with Kalent," said Felix.  
"I think they were working for SPECTRE" said Bond.  
"Without a doubt," replied Felix.  
"Care to join me for a drink or two in the casino?" asked Bond.  
"Ah, James I'd love to man, but you know what? I have some work to do. Don't worry about anything, I'm in the CIA. Bye James, have fun in there" said Felix. Bond made his way to the entrance and was greeted by an old Greek man.

"Ah, hello Bond, my son. I've been expecting you. Columbo, Greek Intelligence" said Columbo.

"Thank you. Glad to assist you" replied Bond.

"I heard you defeated the assasins. Good work. Show identification please, it is procedure" said Columbo. Bond showed his identification cards and was let in.

Bond entered the casino, adjusting his tie promptly. Swann greeted him with lots and lots of euros.  
"Woah, you made a killing! In more ways than one!" said Bond.  
"You wouldn't believe how good I am. I'm having more fun than I ever have!" said Swann excited.  
"Oh boy!" said Bond, rolling his eyes. He then muttered "I hope she didn't learn any tricks from her father"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Deception, Seduction, Petteia,

Bond and Swann were seated at a table in the casino.  
Swann began showing Bond how to play Petteia.

"So, Mr. Bond, you want to become initiated in the ways of divination, logic, and skill?" asked Swann.

"Of course I do, Dr. Swann," said Bond. An aesthetically pleasing buxom brunette hostess arrived. She had invigorating green eyes and a devilish smile.

She reminded Bond somewhat of Vesper, but not entirely.  
"My name is Rea Selene. I'm the ace of spades around here. Care for a drink?" asked Rea. She was a self-confident woman who possessed both charm and wit.

Her last name was taken from a Greek moon deity.

"A dry martini, shaken not stirred" requested Bond.

"Make that two! With a lemon peel!" shouted Swann.

Bond laughed. In what seemed like seconds later, the lightening fast hostess made her return, depositing the drinks on the table.  
"Thank you," said Bond winking at the hostess.

"Anytime, Mr..What is your name?" asked Reah.

"Bond, James Bond. But you already knew that. Everyone knows that" said Bond.  
"I didn't know that" said Swann, who was a tad tipsy.  
"Oh? You thought I was John Doe? The Duke of Windsor? King Henry the Eighth?" asked Bond, taking a very large sip of his martini.

"I thought you were...my father!" said Swann.

"I think I'm seeing a whole new side to you," said Bond, taking another large sip from his drink. "I love it already," he added.  
"Do I detect sarcasm?" asked Swann.  
"No, no, no. I want to know the secrets. The secrets you must tell me all of them Dr. Swann!" said Bond.

"The Ancient Greeks believed that this game was an entryway to a magical realm of divination! That only psychics and intuitive types could win!" said Swann.

"Really? It looks rather logical to me. Like chess. Nothing intuitive there at all!" replied Bond.

"Logic and intuition are actually bedfellows, Bond. As is emotion. Three seemingly different aspects of the same force!" replied Swann.

"Well, that's a comforting thought," replied Bond.

"Emotions are important. If you are happy in your line of work, you are more likely to succeed in it" said Swann.

"Well, the next time I shoot someone I'll wear a smile" replied Bond. Swann laughed.

"Anything else you'd like to say?" asked Swann.

"Tell me how to play" said Bond.

"Are you sure there's nothing else tugging at your shoulders?" asked Swann.

"Oh, it's just a silly childhood dream I had long ago. It wouldn't make any sense if I told you!" said Bond.

"Are you sure?" asked Swann.

"Yes, now tell me how to bloody play" demanded Bond, crushing his fist on the table.  
"Okay, so, these are special coins. Many games use dice, this one use coins. We use teh coins!" said Swann, giggling.  
"Okay, and then what?" asked Bond. Swann pulled Bond's shirt collar, moving his body closer to her face.  
"And then, we roll the coins just as we would roll dice. We do..a jolly good coin roll!" said Swann.  
"Okay, I rolled them. As did you. And then what do we do?" asked Bond.  
"We occupy all the first twenty four spaces with our multi-colored stones!" said Swann.  
"Ah, I see. And what is the goal of this game?" asked Bond.  
"We capture all the pieces on the board, only when adjacent two different primary color, and the one who captures the most, with all pieces ending up on the other side, is the winner. In some variants, I must take your King. Then, you give me the coins you rolled, I take them to the little bank over there in the corner, boom. Instant millionaire!" said Swann.  
"What makes you think you'll win? I just moved a piece to E-5 exactly" asked Bond.  
"Experience. You thought this game was a delicious pastry. I am assuming this is your first time," said Swann.  
"What makes you think this is my first time?" asked Bond.  
"I really think it is!" said Swann.  
"Oh? Then why am I known in ten Greek districts as the Prince of Pettaia?" asked Bond.  
"Trust me, you're not" said Swann. She captured one of Bond's pieces.  
"Do I owe you money yet?" asked Bond.  
"No, you silly boy. You are now an inciti!" said Swann.

Swann of course was referring to Bond's captured piece, which in the game is not removed from the board but becomes known as an "Inciti," which is not able to move anywhere.  
"Did you hear that folks? I'm an inciti" shouted Bond, looking over at all the other people in the casino. Many people laughed.  
"Mr. Bond, when you are an inciti, it means you are not able to go anywhere. You cannot move. Bad boy. You are essentially trapped, in my clutches!" said Swann.  
"Well I must let you know, I adore the sound of that" said Bond.  
"Do you? Because you seemed quite enchanted with Miss Rea Selene" said Swann.  
"Who's that?" asked Bond. Just then Reah came back.  
"Would you like to play a game with me?" asked Rea. She then whispered in Bond's ears "I'm Greek Intelligence"  
"Oh," replied Bond. "Listen, Swann, I have to go now for a bit. I shant be long" said Bond.

Rea took Bond to an isolated corner of the Casino, where a blackjack table could be seen.

Bond took a puff from a cigarette.

"You're smoking, aren't you?" inquired Rea.

"Yes. And what's wrong with that?" asked Bond.

"Smoking is dirty. Gets into your beautiful eyes" said Rea, who deposited a horrid cigarette in a spare tray in the lobby.

"Wait a minute, you're smoking as well" said Bond.

"I asked for the most despicable, vile, horribly disgusting deplorable cigarette that the world has ever known, to help me quit. Its job is to kill, and it's very hard to smoke!" explained Rea.

"You should have just asked me for help. I'm the world's leading expert on quitting cigarettes, done it many times" said Bond.

"Good one, Mr. Bond. Now then, let's get down to business shall we?" asked Rea.

"Business is my middle name, but I never forget the pleasure that goes with it" said Bond.

"I should think so, having been looking into the Bond market" replied Rea.

"Ha. Good one Rea. You amuse me" said Bond. Bond smirked and chuckled, then Rea laughed.

"I'm known as the Baroness of Blackjack dealers Mr. Bond, so be careful, few trust me, many fear me!" warned Rea.

"Well, I for one certainly trust your figures," said Bond.

"They're always well-rounded, I assure you" replied Rea.

Just then Swann could be seen ready to join Bond against the dealer, and with plenty of money as well. Rea looked infuriated, but managed to contain herself. Bond and Swann both placed money at the side of the table, waiting for Rea to convert it to chips. When Bond and Swann placed their chips in the circles, Rea shuffled the decks, Bond cut the deck, and Rea checked to ensure Bond and Swann had placed their bets in the right amount. Rea then distributed cards to the players. Swann scratched her table with a deadly glare into Rea's eyes, signaling with fierce eye to eye precision for a hit, whereas Bond waved his hand left and right above his cards without moving his arm, signaling to stand. Swann checked her cards, she had busted. Bond's cards were an Ace and a King, however. Rea's added up to twenty one as well.

"Well, how is that? Looks like a tie! Well, no one made any money tonight. Swann, Bond and I will be going now, it's only fitting that he receives some sort of non monetary compensation," said Rea, as she and Bond walked off.

Swann suspected Rea had the cards marked, and distributed them the way she did only because she herself was present and she wanted to go off and be with Bond.

"Here I was thinking this was Blackjack, not strip poker!" Swann muttered to herself.

Another dealer who looked exactly like Miss Moneypenny arrived on the scene to assist Swann. Actually, it WAS Moneypenny. She was investigating the SPECTRE presence in Greece alongside other MI6 agents. Or perhaps she was just obsessed with Swann due to a rivalry thing...or something? Who knows.

"Hello, my name is Moneypenny, got a temporary job here. Would you like to play?" asked Moneypenny. Swann was shocked. She took a large hearty sip of wine.

"But of course, it will be fun!" said Swann. No sooner had the cards been shuffled and the game begun, Swann began flapping her arms about like a bird and laughing.

"Do you want to split, hit, stand? Double-split perhaps? Lay an egg?" asked Moneypenny, confused. Swann just kept making goofy arm movements.

"Remember, you're on camera, no unusual methods allowed" whispered Moneypenny, who was smiling and trying not to laugh with Swann.

Meanwhile...….

"So what's it going to be now?" asked Bond.

"I told you, I never bust, Mr. Bond" said Rea.

"Oh?" said Bond in a sarcastic tone. Rea rolled her eyes nonchalantly, and she nervously nibbled on her lower lip.

"I thought I'd give you some information, it pertains to your mission" said Rea.

"Very well, then fire away!" said Bond, taking a sip of his nearly demolished Martini.

"Mr. Bond, I hope you are aware that Kalent Samedi and his men were here, our spies were informed to come here. That man is dangerous he  
wants to kill our leader" said Rea.  
"Yes, I'm fully aware, I already dealt with them. I'm really just that good" said Bond.  
"Are you? What else are you good at?" asked Rea.  
"Many things," replied Bond.  
"I'll be the judge of that, Mr. Bond" said Rea. Rea and Bond went downstairs to an isolated area and began sensuously embracing and kissing.  
"Do you have any more information?" asked Bond.  
"Do you?" asked Reah.  
"This may take some time," replied Bond, as he used a magnetic device to disrobe Reah's zipper from behind.

He began firmly massaging her curvy hips with his hands.  
"Ohhh, Mr. Bond. You are truly incredible" said Reah, letting out soft moans.  
"I know, I know" said Bond as he kissed her stomach.

"Many say my well-toned thighs are to die for, Mr. Bond" said Reah.

"Is it because you kill people with them?" asked Bond, noticing a ring with an octopuss symbol in her stomach. She dropped the ring.  
"We cannot continue, I have...business to attend to, I'll be fired if we continue, also I lost an important ring!" said Reah.

"Alright then, well, you were going to give me some more information" said Bond.  
"No, no, well, ohh, yes I will!" said Reah, handing Bond a stack of folders and photographs.  
"What is this?" asked Bond.  
"Some information on some more strange men that were sighted around here, as well as my number" said Reah.  
"I'll take the information, you can keep the number!" said Bond, as he gathered up his composure, kissed Reah's cheek, and left upstairs. Felix Leiter entered the room after Reah left and found the ring. He eyed Reah suspiciously. He would have given it back to her were it not for the symbol that was inscribed on it. Reah fainted, and two more strange men in hoods dragged her away mentioning something about her being in requirement of better spy-training.

Bond rejoined Swann.  
"Good to be back," said Bond. "You're not upset are you?"  
"No, I understand the spy game. All too well however" said Swann.  
"Listen, Swann, we all have our choices, as you said. And I am willing to make whatever choice I need to to keep you happy" said Bond.  
"You don't mean that," said Swann.  
"Actually, I do," replied Bond. "Right now, the world needs me. But it may not need me forever. And it may not be enough"

"Haha. That barely even made sense" replied Swann.

"Swann, people think of me as this bigtime playboy. And in many ways I have been. But in the past-the women I truly did care for-something always went wrong. I'm willing to end all this and be with you forever" said Bond.  
"Hm..time will tell Mr. Bond. What was in the papers?" asked Swann.  
"Two men apparently want to meet us to personally congratulate us on defeating the SPECTRE agents. It could be a trap, so I want you to come with me" said  
Bond ironically.  
"You're starting to really have faith in me aren't you?" said Swann.  
"Fate forced me too," replied Bond, thinking of the time Swann saved his life by killing the SPECTRE agents with her knife-thrower.

"Good, because here's lots MORE money!" said Swann, depositing a large amount of euros on the table.

"Where'd that come from?" asked Bond.

"Moneypenny" replied Swann. Bond was surprised.

"A new game here. It is called Moneypenny. The ancient greeks believed it to usher you into the upper-echelons of the gods" said Swann.

"Right, and you're telling me that's what the MI6 secretary in London is named after?" replied Bond.

"No, no. Tell me, what was the dream of your childhood?" asked Swann.

Bond got up close to Swann and made sure no one else in the casino was listening.

"I wanted to go airborne, fly away...you know, like a cuckoo bird," whispered Bond.

Swann felt a haunting chill down her spine as he spoke those words.

Meanwhile, on a table across from Bond and Swann:

"The trap is set," said Rea. Scaramanga sat on a chair directly across from her. They were behind a high-tech sound proof installation of walls.

"Masterful work Rea," said Scarmanaga. "To us, and our new casino" he added, raising a wine glass to toast.

"You learning to follow the rules yet? You do what they tell you?" asked Rea.

"Haha. Rea I am executing my choices very carefully. If you control the center of the board in the game of skill you control it all" said Scaramanga.

"Ah-hah-ha. You are making me want to play Chess with you. Your point is-what exactly?" asked Rea, curious.

"The pawns and the Queen will not be made use of until later. A pawn is restricted, he can not go backwards. But once I have my queen I am completely free" explained Scaramanga.

"So you don't consider yourself part of our organization?" asked Rea.

"Everything I do helps the organization in the long run. It is why I have not been disposed of. But I am always my own man, doing my own things" explained Scaramanga.

"You bring out the knights first, not the pawns. Yes, I think our leader is beginning to understand that" said Rea.

"He respects it. You bet your bottom dollar he does" said Scaramanga placing a gold-plated Colt .45 revolver on the table.

"That is your weapon of choice?" asked Rea.

"Excellent accuracy, brilliant stopping power. When loaded with these golden bullets it is an innovative unstoppable weapon of destruction" said Scaramanga.

"You have a very beautiful gun" said Rea.

"Thank you. You see Rea, yes-men are not promoted. They have no innovation. Think of a corporation, without innovation it fails!" said Scaramanga.

"True," said Rea.

"In our case darling, think of an octopus. Its arms are only useful if they can reach long enough to grab the prey they need" explained Scaramanga.

"When you have a golden gun? Poof. Everything falls into place, eh?" said Rea.

"You put that so eloquently it makes my blood boil, my dear" said Scaramanga.

"If my plan doesn't work? You intend to kill Bond with your golden gun?" asked Rea.

"I'll never forget the day I killed the great Bond, James Bond!" said Scaramanga.

"What are you talking about? He is alive" said Rea.

"So am I. He killed me too. After I killed him. The golden rule you see!" said Scaramanga.

"Have you been drinking too much? Explain!" said Rea, furiously and ruthlessly smoking. Scaramanga laughed, while breathing in the secondhand smoke.

"The death of Bond is a peculiar thing. There is never a body, never any evidence, the perfect crime some might say!" replied Scaramanga.

"Bond is alive. So how the hell did you kill him? You infuriate me you bastard!" said Rea, her eyes lighting up like fire.

"Oh, I did kill him once. It was an exquisite moment in my life, a thrill. We stood in a hedge-maze, the training area for SPECTRE!" said Scaramanga.

"Yes, please continue I am completely captivated by your golden tale" said Rea. Scaramanga laughed, then continued his story.

"The air was beautiful, yet melancholy, sentimental and dark. A great many men had died in that illustrious forest of hedges you see!" said Scaramanga.

"I know. Our master calls that poetic area 'The Garden of Death' I believe. Views life as a great struggle between vicious animals called humans!" replied Rea.

"Yes, precisely!" said Scaramanga. Rea attempted to interject again, but he continued abruptly, "I was assigned to bring down decoys of the only other killer alive besides me considered possibly immortal. A game of cat and mouse it was, between two soldiers of death!"

"What happened next?" asked Rea. Scaramanga beamed a wicked smile at Rea.

"That's when he showed up, the man with whom I shared so much in common. I wasn't warned he might be coming mind you.

I knew it was him when he looked me in the eye. When you see James Bond, my god do you recognize him!" explained Scaramanga.

"Yes, I felt I knew him from somewhere as well" said Rea, who seemed to be daydreaming.

"Yes, quite. Now then, he wasn't like the wussy fragile decoys or the larger blunt instruments," said Scaramanga. He continued, "His was the eerily soulful face of a dead man whose job was to kill"

"What did you do when you saw him?" asked Rea.

"I took aim at him and fired. He fell to the ground, and I heard a 'thud' sound that was a triumphant tone for my ears. But as soon as I gathered back my sanity after realizing what I believed I had done I was shot. Luckily I was wearing bullet-proof armor, but the thrill of the moment was so intense I had almost forgotten. Not sure if I was alive, I tried to find him, then I saw him. He too was wearing heavy armor and was not impacted by the exquisite charms of my bullet! Not even a flame thrower would phase him, his armor was impervious to corrosion!" said Scaramanga.

"What happened next?" asked Rea.

"He told me that all that glitters is not gold and tried to shoot me again, but I was deposited into an underground lair after the cameras saw what was happening. SPECTRE agents attempted to recover Bond but he was gone, the metaphorical twin who rejected my brotherly love" said Scaramanga.

"How is Nick Nack?" asked Rea. Scaramanga smiled.

"Ah, yes, Nick Nack. His new assignments as of late are to apply unauthorized surveillance devices to intelligence services and their buildings, as well as any other enemy we may come across.

I call him the 'Listening Bug' and he takes to it quite well. All my dealings go through him, preserves my anonymity!" said Scaramanga.

"Well Mr. Scaramanga, you say when you have your queen you're unstoppable? Well, maybe you have her now!" said Rea, winking at Scaramanga.

"Yes. That does sound delicious" said Scaramanga.

"Just so you know, when you work with me? I run things. I am the woman in charge, not you or anyone else" said Rea.

"Well, I'm certainly not the 'woman' in charge," said Scaramanga, laughing.

"I never make mistakes," said Rea, taking a hearty puff from her cigarette.

"You lost your ring, suppose that counts as one" suggested Scaramanga.

"Ha. Tell me Mr. Scaramanga, I am studying magic and occult mysteries, is it true what they say about you?" asked Rea. She had heard of his third nipple.

"Well, perhaps you'll have to find out sometime!" replied Scaramanga.

"To the death of Bond at the hands of our two professionals!" said Rea, clinging glasses with Scaramanga.

"To the golden boys, Wint and Kidd!" said Scaramanga.

"What? Those are really their names?" asked Rea.

"Not ones I would have chosen. Haha" laughed Scaramanga.

Check out Chapter 6. The world is counting on you.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd

Bond and Swann drove to the location marked on the map given to him by Reah Selone. He then received a text message from M:

"Congratulations Bond. Two men from Greek Intelligence want to congratulate you. I just received word! Flint and Squibb was it? Many thanks! Toodaloo.

Back to my stories!"

"Oh good god, Q was right," muttered Bond. Bond pulled up in front of an old log cabin in a very secluded forest area next to a lake. It was certainly a beautiful  
location, but had a very eeri vibe to it. Bond and Swann got out of their Aston Martin DB5 and began holding hands as they bravely trudged forward into what could be a chamber of death. They saw a sign that read:

WINT AND KIDD RESIDENCE. (Although it looked as if something else was scratched out)

To the surprise of Bond and Swann, the door of the old log cabin slowly opened up, creeking ever so slightly until finally it forced its way open.

But no one was behind the door to greet them for about eight seconds. Then out creeped two men. One of the men had brown hair, soul-cutting brown eyes, as well as an unequivocally piercing smile. The other man was wearing a grey shirt with no tie. The other was wearing a brown shirt with white stripes, and posessed very expensive black shoes.  
The latter was Kidd, the former was Wint. Wint reached out to shake Bond's hand. He was the more outgoing of the two.  
"Hello. I'm Mr. Wint, and this is Mr. Kidd" said Mr. Wint. Kidd attempted to introduce himself this time, but Wint did not let him.

"I see. My name is Bond, James Bond" said Bond.

"Yes, we've heard all about you. Haven't we Mr. Kidd?" said Wint turning to his partner, after taking a puff from a cigarette.

"Indeed we have Mr. Wint" said Mr. Kidd.

"It's a lovely place you have here. Beautiful!" said Bond.

"Well, we certainly like to think so. Don't we Mr. Kidd?" said Wint.

"Yes. The atmosphere is most serene. The lake is very nice as well" said Kidd.

"Indeed it is. You know, they say the wonderful smell of the worlds oceans are caused by rotting decaying seaweed. I wonder if that's true" said Mr. Wint.

"Could be, Mr. Wint. Could be!" said Mr. Kidd.

"How long have you two lived here?" asked Swann.

"Oh, pardon me, enchanting young lady. What is your name? Dr. Swann is it?" asked Mr. Wint.

"We knew a doctor once. But not for very long, sadly" said Mr. Kidd, thinking of a time they murdered a doctor with a scorpion.

"Well why don't you two come on in make yourselves at home?" said Mr. Wint

"We have French champagne, just for the good doctor!" announced Mr. Kidd

"French Champaign has always been celebrated for its excellence" said Mr. Wint.

"Indeed it has, Mr. Wint," replied Mr. Kidd. "Come inside," he added with a devious smirk.

"You'll be glad you did, for a while!" said Mr Kidd. Wint shut the door and guided Bond and Swann inside.

"Congratulations on defeating those men. You know you and the lady were very lucky" said Mr. Wint.

"Well, half of everything is luck" replied Bond.

"The other half-my darling fellow...is fate!" replied Wint, grinning ear to ear.

"There is ham in the fridge. And a hefty amount of chicken!" said Mr. Kidd.

"Ah, but our man may be too outlandishly death defyingly handsome for ham!" said Mr. Wint.

"Ah, and our gorgeous lady guest may be too sultry for poultry" suggested Mr. Kidd. Mr. Wint eyed Kidd with disdainment as he spoke those words.

"Anyway, we have all kinds of meals, Fillet of Crab, Pork tar-tar, and tuna salad," said Mr. Wint.  
"No thanks, I ate on my way over here" said Bond. Wint looked dissapointed, almost insulted.  
"Well, suit yourself then. We'll pull up some chairs and toast to your successes" said Mr. Wint.  
"Well, to be honest I'm not really thirsty either," said Bond. Now Wint and Kidd were both concerned for a few moments, glancing at each other wondering what  
was to be done. Then Wint started laughing. Kidd did as well.  
"Well, then, perhaps you'd enjoy fishing with us. We were already planning on it initially! Kidd and I just love the joys of fishing!" said Mr. Wint.  
"We were? We do?" asked Kidd.  
"Shut up!" shouted Wint. Wint and Kidd gave Bond and Swann each some respective fishing poles.  
"We always use scorpions for bait" said Kidd.  
"Sadly, we're poorly stocked on them however, Mr. Kidd. Right now we'll be using our very own good old fashioned worms!" said Mr. Wint.  
"Sounds good I suppose. Come on, Swann" said Bond.

Later, Bond, Swann, Wint, and Kidd were all in a fishing boat.  
"There's nothing like the gentle sounds of the water, is there Mr. Kidd?" asked Mr. Wint.

"How right you are, Mr. Wint" answered Mr. Kidd.

"So how long have you two been in the force? Greek Intelligence, pardon me" said Bond. Wint and Kidd glanced at each other.  
"You think we're Greek? No no, we're from Detroi- Kidd was about to say something stupid but Wint interjected.

"Oh yes, Greek investigative team, yes, that be the one indeed. Feta cheese, all around. Me and Kidd, we're a Greek Special Branch" said Mr. Wint.

"I'm quite sure of that already," said Bond. Just then Swann eyed what seemed to be a dead body rising from the waters, but it slipped back down in. She triedto pawn it off as nothing, assuming her imagination was playing tricks on her.  
"Ahhh, it really is lovely out here. When do you think we'll get a bite?" asked Swann.

"Hopefully soon," said Wint. Just then Bond felt a tug on his line.

"Oh, I think he's got a fish Mr. Wint" said Mr. Kidd.

Some of the water was so muddy it was like trying to navigate chocolate and molasses soup.

"Hey, don't let it pull you in!" shouted Mr. Wint. Bond reeled and reeled and pulled and struggled. Finally, he caught the fish. It was gigantic and  
rather strange looking with a protruding eye and beautiful but odd purple and orange designs on its scales.  
"Bravo, bravo," said Mr. Wint, clapping.  
"Yes, bravo!" chimed in Mr. Kidd. As Wint and Kidd were busy being Bond's male cheerleaders, Swann couldn't help but notice a suspicious wallet drifting  
in the waters. She reached into the muddy liquid, sloshing her hands around freely, but finally picking it up and began looking at it and pawing through it. It belonged to an actual Greek spy. His name was Columbo.  
"What are you up to?" asked Mr. Kidd, glancing at Swann.  
"Oh, I was just reviewing some notes," said Swann, swiftly tossing the wallet back in the water.  
"I distinctly heard a splash. Probably just a fish I suppose" said Mr. Kidd. It was now very clear to Swann just who Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint really were.  
Hired killers who had murdered the Greek spies whom Bond was originally supposed to meet with. They had now stolen their identities and were luring her and Bond into a trap. Perhaps they were associates of Blofeld whom he met on the dark web. (lol)  
"Well, it looks like Bond caught the highly rare, elusive, and sought after Hildebrande Rarity!" said Wint. Bond was now highly suspicious of Wint and Kidd  
as well, as the Hildebrande Rarity was something that Q told Swann was poisonous. Swann began putting on her poison tipped shoe spikes. She then stood up and smiled peacefully at Mr. Kidd, as if pretending she didn't know that something very fishy was going on.  
"We'd better go in and prepare this I suppose" said Bond.  
"Yes, fish for all" replied Mr. Wint.

"Hopefully they won't disagree with something that eats them!" whispered Mr. Kidd.

When the quadrio entered the log cabin, Mr. Wint could be seen locking the door.  
"I'm afraid you two won't be leaving tonight," said Mr. Wint.  
"Why is that?" asked Bond.

"A surprise. A good surprise. But not for you Mr. Bond, for us!" replied Mr. Wint, as he pulled out some piano wire and began grabbing hold of Bond, attempting to kill him. The fish was flopping on the floor as the struggle ensued, and Swann was screaming. But she came to her senses, and motioned her foot, activating her poison tipped shoe spike that ejected itself from the shoe and entered Mr. Wint's chest, barely missing Bond. Bond gave Swann a thumbs up and collapsed to the floor. Swann was worried the poison had affected him so she tended to him. But Kidd was still alive. Bond got up, thankfully, and briefly assured Swann he was fine. Then he put on a pair of Q gloves, picked up the fish, but it flopped out of his hands and entered Swann's hands, who was also wearing Q gloves. She tossed the fish right at Mr. Kidd and it surrounded his neck and bit him, causing him to die in less than eight seconds. He landed flat on the chair, alongside his partner Wint.

"There was always something fishy about those two, Miss Swann!" said Bond.

"Ahh, but zey look so peaceful together, Mr. Bond" said Swann.

"Truer words were never spoken, Miss Swann" replied Bond, jokingly imitating Wint and Kidd's back and forth banter.

"I understand now. I know what it means to be an assassin. Sometimes you must defend oneself and your loved ones" said Swann.

The two then phoned Felix and let him know exactly what happened. Before they departed, Swann asked Bond a question.

"Bond, what are we to make of zeh feesh?" asked Swann.

"I won't let it hurt anyone else, that is my sole discretion" said Bond, making a very bad fish pun in case you didn't notice.

"Will the fish be alright?" asked Swann.

"The fish will be fine, stand back, you won't believe what I'm going to do" said Bond.

"Okay," said Swann, preparing to take a photo of Bond.

Using the poison resistant Q gloves, Bond picked up the fish, and then opened up the window. He saw a large pond unconnected to the one the quadrio had been fishing in. He leaned back, fish in only one hand, and then spoke some words:

"Your license to kill is hereby revoked until further notice," whispered Bond.

Bond then quickly tossed the fish as though he were making a pass for the NFL.

It landed outside into the large pond, and Bond watched it jump away, making large splashing noises.

"Sweet freedom," said Bond. "God knows if I'll ever know it," he added.

"Play back Felix's message! We may have missed something!" suggested Swann.

Felix's final words were this:

"Bond, someone posing as one of us gave MI6 faulty information and was able to do so because of hijacking an agents smartphone identity.  
This cannot be allowed to continue. I don't know if the old man is senile or if Harry Potter Q is delirious but this has to stop! We believe this man posing as one of our agents was known as General Pomerov!"

As Bond and Swann left, a "No Fishing Here Due to Many Many Reasons" wooden sign could be seen.

Check out Chapter 7 to find out about gangsters, some very strange ladies, and all things Dr. Pepper.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: The Spang Gang

Message from M: Wint and Kidd were part of a nefarious group of gangsters led by none other than a man called Serrafimo Spang. He's been supplying SPECTRE with illegal copies of stolen MI6 data and selling it to foreign powers. He is also in charge of a subgroup of Zorin Industries which specializes in rigging sports. He was ultimately behind a particularly brutal throat slitting murder of a jockey in a barber shop. He is currently holding a meeting inside an abandoned warehouse in a swamp in Louisiana, USA. Please note that Serrafimo's brother, Tony Spang has stolen an MI6 USB drive containing information on stolen bioweapons.

Also, Bond? I do have to give Serrafimo some credit. He has a penchant for fine cigars, as do I. Chow!

After flying to the United States of America, Bond and Swann made their way to the warehouse in the middle of an illustrious green forest. Things were dark, stormy, and mysterious.

Bond put on his night-vision goggles.

A shadowy figure could be seen in the distance. Bond used his Identity Scanning machine Q gave him. The man was revealed as Tony Spang. Bond approached him from behind with ruthless efficiency, and after a short fist-fight that ended with Tony's face becoming bloody as hamburger, he grappled him up under his forearm, aiming a gun at his dim-witted head.

"Do you want bullets for dinner?" asked Bond.

"No, no!" replied the man.

"Classified information on stolen bioweapons is not a laughing matter," said Bond. "MI6 and I know everything about you, so give it up now" he added.

"For England, huh? Queen and Country?" said Tony.

"Yeah that's the basic idea now give me what you've got or I'll kill you" said Bond.

"Listen, Mr. Bond is it? I don't have a lick of nothin ok? OK? Nothing, and if I did have somethin' it would be for everyone's benefit if I kept it" said Tony.

"Except yours," said Bond, who was now very tempted to pull the trigger.

"Don't be so belligerent, man!" said Tony.

"I'll be as bloody belligerent as I bloody well must to serve my country!" replied Bond.

"It's just research, man! Research doesn't kill, agents with guns do" said Tony.

"I couldn't agree more!" said Bond.

"I just had some meatloaf okay? Please don't hurt me! Let's take it easy" said Tony.

"You're going to be looking like meatloaf any second!" said Bond.

"Man, Big Serrafimo can bring down tough guys like you and eat em for supper" said Spang.

"I'm sure he can, now give me the thumb-drive!" said Bond.

"Man, Big Serrafimo could crush you! I should know" said Spang.

"Big Serrafimo isn't here to protect you, and I'm willing to bet he doesn't even exist" said Bond.

"Think about your priorities, man, and what you're doing. Your allegiances and shit. I'm just collecting bioweapon data-type shit. Take it easy old man!" said the man, struggling to get away but unable to.

"Give me the fucking USB drive or I'll send a bullet right down your gullet and kill you" said Bond, breathing heavily.

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" replied the man. Bond shot the man dead, and began searching him. He acquired the USB drive, and phoned Felix.

Then he and Swann kept exploring the woods.

"Who was the other woman you loved? Not Vesper mind you, the one you married who was killed?" asked Swann.

"She was an Italian countess, and daughter of a mafia don, she was similar to you in some ways. Look, for that reason alone I'd rather not talk about it!" said Bond.

"Okay, let's talk about our journey then," replied Swann, tossing back her hair.

"We've certainly been to a lot of forests," muttered Bond.  
"Two isn't that much," said Swann.

"You won't live to see any more than two! Pity, but this is just our duty!" said a gangster in the distance.  
Suddenly two men with clubs knocked out Bond and dragged him away. Swann tried to help him, but she was taken away by three other men. Our super duper spy duo were taken into the warehouse, which was riddled with bullets and old paintings which had bullet holes caused by said bullets. Bond and Swann were both tied up against the wall, and the crooks had guns pointed right at them. The leader was Serrafimo Spang.

He was a fedora wearing gangster in a blue coat, whose eyes were not visible due to the placement of his hat.

A fancy chocolate cigar could be seen being chomped hanging out of the side of his mouth.

"Alright, fess up, what are you love bird baboons doing here in our private area? Tell us and we'll go easy on ya and just rough you up a bit!" said Spang.

"We were just going to have a bloody barbecue. If you just let us go we won't tell anyone about what we've seen" said Bond.

"Is that so limey? The blood can be arranged. You did make a convincing case, but like all good cases they need to be cracked!" said Spang, pulling out a pistol.

"We could join your organization. I love horse races" said Swann.

"I know an eye when I see them. Don't need no informants. And I kills them as I sees em!" said Spang, as he was just about to pull the trigger.

But just then, the entire gang heard a window crashing. A fat sherrif made his way into the room. He was investigating the rumors of criminal activity in the area.

"Alright you god damn sons a bitches! You do as I say and drop your weapons" said the fat sherrif. The criminals attempted to shoot JW, who dodged the bullets,then they tried to subdue him. JW grappled up Spang under his forearm and then delivered a karate chop to his head knocking him unconcious. He then unleashed judo moves on the remaining baddies and freed Bond and Swann.

"Wait a minute, I remember you. You're that secret agent! This is JW Pepper Louisiana State Police" said JW.

"Yes, and how am I to address this perfectly normal situation?" asked Bond.

"You remember me right? Your old hardboiled egg friend?" said JW.

"I sure do, boy. Look out behind you!" said Bond, noticing the crooks regaining conciousness.

"Behind me? Boy, I gave those mobsters exactly what they needed, they ruined NASCAR for me and my daughter, I gave em their just desserts!" said JW.

"No, no you blooming idiot, you didn't!" replied Bond. JW laughed.

"Boy, I studied karate, judo, jujitsu, zubitsu, every single damn style of martial arts right down to Picasso" said JW.

"Oh dear god help me!" muttered Bond.

"Listen boy, no one comes back to life after a tussle with Sheriff JW Peppah!" said JW Pepper.

But the criminals were aiming guns at him as he spoke those words. JW was horrified, but Bond shot them all dead with his silenced Walther PPK which was well hidden. The baddies had no idea he posessed such a thing.

"Well I'll be. You ain't nothin' but a god damn bonafied murderer boy!" said JW.

"You're essentially correct," said Bond. "But I'm licensed. And I did save your life, buddy!" said Bond, patting JW on the back and leaving the building with Swann.

"I didn't know whether to take him into custody or kiss the handsome bastard!" said JW as Bond left.

Suddenly, from the grasp of the clammy hand of one of the dead gangsters came rolling a Dr Pepper soda can towards JW. It was full and unopened.

"Oh, now that's just plumb stupid!" said JW, picking up the can, opening it up and drinking from it.

JW smiled brightly and widely.

"But damn, it sure tastes good boy!" said JW.

JW then began wondering what his adopted daughter was up to. One remaining overlooked baddie was still alive and unbeknownst to JW was about to shoot him.

Pele opened fire on him, saving JW's life. She then blew steam off of her gun.

"I heard you were in danger, but as soon as I came James was just about done cleaning up this place. He's so incredible!" said Pele.

"What the hell are you doing with that gun?" said JW.

"I just love this golden gun I found at a novelty shop!" said Pele.

"Pele, what the hell are you doing?" asked JW.

"Finishing up what Bond couldn't do. I've always wanted to meet him! I've gotta go, bye Daddy!" said Pele, who looked starstruck and lovesick.

She was thinking of Bond.

Meanwhile, back outside:

Bond then contacted MI6 and he and Swann sat down on a bench to wait for a helicopter to pick them up.

"It is a beautiful night!" said Swann.

"It's even more beautiful with you" replied Bond, holding her hand.

Bond and Swann noticed a cold and lifeless looking man directly across from them. Suddenly, a woman who strongly resembled Rea Selene showed up and sat next to them.

"Hello darlings. Pardon my husband-he's a very shy man. Lucky to have found a superior woman as I!" said Rea.

"Yes, he needs a woman like you to fill the hole in his heart" said Bond, noticing a wound in the man.

"Well, Mr. Bond, I've been following you. I've been your guardian angel" said Rea.

"I don't suppose you'd care to stop," said Bond, as a helicopter came down. Bond and Swann immediately grabbed onto the rope and left in the helicopter.

Rea attempted to shoot it down but missed each time.

"Ugh, I hate that Mr. Bond!" said Rea, storming away in a huff.  
"Good job James. Good job Madaleine. But we're just in the thick of all this SPECTRE stuff. Russian spies have stolen a gigantic nuclear warhead and are hiding it within a remote facility somewhere in Altai Mountains. We're gonna need a team effort gathering it up and finding a way inside! We would just send in a chopper and a few highly trained sons of bitches ordinarily, but we need more than that for this mission. As soon as you find the weapon, contact us with this!" said Felix, tossing Bond and Swann two more transmitters designed by Q. Now they were certainly not short of transmitters, but Felix wanted them to have extra ones in case they got lost in the snow. A young and attractive blonde and busty perky policewoman could be seen accompanying Felix, directly to the left of him. To his right was yet another female, a redhead with green eyes.

"You have good taste in company" said Bond.

"I know, I know" replied Felix.

"Hi, I'm Pepper. Pele A. Pepper!" said Pele.

"Yes, and you were saying?" said Bond.

"Pele Agnimitra Pepper!" said Pepper, an exuberant, perky, and peppy lady with a high squeaky voice.

"There we go, bravo. Nice to meet you in the flesh. We've chatted a few times over the phone. My name is Bond, James Bond" said Bond, shaking her hand.

"I assume you've met my father" said Pepper.

"Yes, he told me all about you. How you're impeccable in every way!" said Bond. Pele blushed.

"Well, I don't know about that. Thanks for saving Daddy!" said Pele, as she hugged Bond and kissed him on the cheek.

"Oh, it's all part of the job," replied Bond, holding her in his arms reluctantly.

"Oooh, I know you're a spy, James, cuz you've got a gun in your pocket! Please, give me full disclosure on your spy position! I want the information, I want to know everything!" said Pele in a passionate tone.

"Well, I'm afraid that's not possible, but I'll order you an ice cream, maybe" said Bond, swiftly pulling away from the hug as quickly as he could. Swann rolled her eyes.

"The people I run into!" said Bond, whispering in Swann's ear.

The other woman, who was somewhat drunk and sounded so, introduced herself to Swann.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie. Stephanie LightWorst! Oh god, I keep messing up!" said Stephanie.

She then turned to Bond.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie, Stephanie TightPurse," said Stephanie.

"Nice to know you, I think! I've met my share of women with some very strange names" said Bond.

Swann was disgusted.

"I am a doctor," replied Swann in a stern unforgiving tone. "I have a degree," she added.

"Well, GOOD!" replied Stephanie.

"Ahem. Zat cannot really be your name," said Swann.

"My name is Stephanie Reinhurst, I misspoke, what did I say? I'm on a new brain medication, sorry!" replied Stephanie, who most likely didn't want to admit she was drunk.

CHECK OUT CHAPTER 8 for an ITALY ADVENTURE


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: G-20 Summit Super Rescue Team

Message from M: Bond, there is a G-20 meeting being held in Italy, and two men known as Baudelaire and Septimus are attempting to assassinate the world leaders with a bomb before they take their picture. Not the brightest terrorists if you ask me, but you should definitely try to stop them just in case they succeed. Half of everything is luck and the other half of things is fate, so they say. They are planning on getting aboard a helicopter, and will then plan out the attack further.

After arriving in Venice, Italy, Bond and Swann found themselves in a high speed boat chase! Bond fired torpedoes at the boats in pursuit of him. Swann looked back to make sure there weren't more.

"Use your Royal Navy equipment, your armor piercing shells, Bond!" said Swann.

"Oh, don't worry, I will" replied Bond.

"Zey are making quite a large impression" said Swann.

"Yes, but what matters to me is the motion in the ocean" said Bond. "And I can cause lots of it"

A frog jumped onto Swann's shoulder. She kissed it and tossed it into the waters.

"Not my idea of amphibious warfare" said Swann.

Then another frog hopped into the boat, this one looking more exotic and strange.

Swann put on the gloves and tossed it away.

"It's a good thing you were wearing those gloves, that frog is poisonous" said Bond.

"You knew that frog?" asked Swann.

"Of course," said Bond. He continued, "His name was Fred"

More and more boats began launching underwater missiles towards Bond and Swann, but Bond counteracted each of them with submerged bombs and torpedoes. Eventually, after crashing through a wedding, the barrage of attacks stopped, and Bond arrived at the docks, near where the G-20 would be held.

Bond pushed his way forward into security.

"Let me through, I'm British Intelligence," said Bond. Bond and Swann made their way into a large Italian building where the leaders were soon to meet. They knew that Baudelaire and Septimus were two large burly men who were on the third floor. Bond and Swann locked, loaded, and prepared themselves for battle. On the first floor they encounted a man who attempted to shoot them. Bond did some cartwheels on the floor, as did Swann, sneaking up behind him.

"What do you think you two are doing? Breakdancing? Well, I can break you while you do so" said the man.

Bond grabbed hold of the man from behind, and after aiming a gun down his throat, shot him dead. Another man sneaked up from behind and attempted to subdue Swann, but Swann pulled out a large dagger and stabbed the man in the stomach, then Bond karate chopped his neck.

The two agents took an elevator to the third floor. There they saw two men waiting by a large window for a helicopter to pick them up.

"The damn thing is late," said Baudelaire, a man with a heavy accent.

"It's your fault it's late, everything is always your fault. You couldn't stop eating Cilantro in Spain and drinking Russian vodka" replied Septimus.

"Don't worry, the helicopter will come, and we will get a heavy paycheck from SPECTRE no doubt. Every defector wishes they were part of SPECTRE" said Baudelaire.

"Zey are ducks, nothing but ducks, and I am an angry swan!" said Swann. "I want so badly to shoot them"

"Control yourself, Swann" said Bond.

"Zey will be shot like the chicken faced pissy nosed phantom possum spookers they are!" whispered Swann.

"Not yet," said Bond. "I'm listening to what they're saying"

"We don't want to be the cynosure of prying eyes!" said Swann.

"Quiet, I need to hear the conversation!" said Bond

The conversation of Baudelaire and Septimus:

"Your addiction to strip clubs, it's what's holding us back. Pretty soon they will feed us both to sharks!" said Baudelaire.

"Haha, strip clubs. That's nothing. All you do is stop for food and you ignore the instructions of your superiors" said Septimus.

Back with Bond and Swann, our dynamic spy duo:

"I just heard lots of incredible things, Mr. Bond" whispered Swann.

"Oh?" asked Bond.

"One man likes cilantro and Russian vodka, and the other likes strip clubs" replied Swann.

"Come now, we're bound to learn something" whispered Bond.

"We learned what we could from M, now we kill" said Swann. Swann saw that the helicopter had arrived. They

were being lifted. Bond and Swann raced to the windows, and attempted to shoot the two men dead as they were being raised up and the G20 leaders were beginning to assemble above a large platform above a body of water. They missed.

"I told you, we should have shot them before" said Swann.

"You want to chat back and forth and be ridiculous like them? I never shoot to miss!" said Bond. Bond then pulled out

a sniper rifle and shot the two men dead with incredible accuracy as they were being lifted up. They fell into the waters.

"Well, they certainly made a splash!" said Bond.

"The bigger they come, the harder they fall, Mr. Bond" replied Swann.

Bond got a message from M:

007, Swann? The two men you just killed worked for a subsidiary of SPECTRE run by Pomerov. He is hiding in the Russian mountains of Altai.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Russian Bases and Quadruple Insanity

BOND LEFT ITALY FOR RUSSIA!

Bond had apparently received word that plans for a top secret device had been stolen from the Russian government and were being used by a private intelligence network hiding within Altai Mountains, Russia. Bond and Swann had been spending some time in the Summer Gardens, she could make out the noticeably French and Venetian style of gardens there, he did not have to explain much. After this, they departed for the mountains where a secret device was being worked on for what  
was presumably going to be a project for SPECTRE. Bond and Swann aimed their .38 Winchester sniper rifles at the snipers guarding the tops of the mountains.  
"We don't want to run the risk of being Coruscant ducks" suggested Swann.  
"Forgive me, but what exactly is a Coruscant duck? And aren't you a swan?" asked Bond.  
"It is what we are, possibly" said Swann.  
"Cut to the chase, my dear Dr. Swann. What do you mean?" asked Bond.  
"What if they see us? You know? The lights on our sights?" asked Swann.  
"They won't. Q made it so these laser sights are only visible to us, on a certain spectrum. Very advanced" said Bond.  
"I see," said Swann aiming her gun.

"If we're ducks, what do you suppose they are?" asked Bond.

"Big terrible dinosaurs," replied Swann. "Sadly, that's what they look like" she added.

"Yes, well do you know what they say about dinosaurs? They may look mighty but they all have sore asses!" replied Bond.

"Hahahaha! For England, James?" laughed Swann.

"Yes, Swann. Always for England. On three, we shoot!" said Bond. He began counting, "One, two, three!"

The guards fell off the cliffs one by one. Bond then dispatched his climbing gear, and Swann joined him at their established base camp.  
They began securing some Sterling ropes to the edges of the cliffs for when they would descend after the climb. Then, using ice-axes they began ascending up  
the snowy peaks to reach the base.  
"You feel at home in the snow?" asked Bond.  
"I always was an icey blonde, Mr. Bond" replied Swann, as she continued climbing.  
"Ha. You know, this isn't so bad is it?" asked Bond.  
"Not at all. It is a thrill" replied Swann.  
"I'm no stranger to climbing mountains, in fact, I consider myself quite an expert," said Bond.  
"I know, you told me," replied Bond. "But focus on what you're doing and don't keep the ghastly gasconading too much"  
"Bond to Swann, come in Dr. Swann. Calling Dr. Swann!" shouted Bond.  
"This is Swann, Mr. Bond. I have no more lemon flavored pastries to toss to you" replied Swann.

Later, Bond and Swann reached the summit. They stole some clothes off of some dead guards that didn't fall directly off the mountain. Bond was shot at two times but lived due to wearing very heavy body armor. The armor contained fake blood, as Bond walked towards the facility guards began shouting:

"Hold on a minute mate, you're dead!"

After laughing at this, Bond and Swann then pushed an elevator button and made their way down into the earth. There, they reached the underground Russian facility. They walked down a long narrow metal bridge, past some more guards who did not identify them as being any different from the rest of the staff. They opened a door and found themselves in a very large room that was home to a gigantic nuclear warhead.  
"How do you propose we get this thing out of here?" asked Bond.  
"Simple," replied Swann. "A very powerful crane, no? Haha," she laughed.  
"I'll radio in the proper authorities with the Q transmitter" said Bond, pulling out the small microchip-like device. But before he could push a button, he saw  
three familiar faces off in the distance, talking to one another. Natayla Simonova, Polla Ivanova, and Mia Brand.  
"Here, you signal the MI6 task forces, I have some unfinished business to attend to" said Bond, handing a confused Swann the device. Before she could use it,  
a Russian guard approached her.  
"I don't recognize your face," said the man.  
"I have worked here all my life. I know this place like I know my favorite wine" said Swann.  
"Huh-huh, is that so? You don't seem to know what you're doing. What is that device? I'll be taking that, it looks like a valuable component" replied the man.  
"No, I need zat!" yelled Swann. She attempted to chase down the man to get the device back but found herself blocked by a sealed door.  
"Bond is going to kill me," Swann thought to herself.

Bond, realizing what a fool he had been, luckily used a spare device he had been given by Q to attempt to contact British Intelligence. But, who knows what Pomerov may have done with Swann's version of the device.

Later...

"What are you three doing here?" asked Bond.  
"We don't want to be here. We were forced," said Natayla Simonova, a female Russian scientist.

"What about you?" asked Bond, turning to Mia, a gorgeous and intelligent looking blonde woman.

"I was kidnapped because of knowledge. I'm German, I used to work as a secretary for a man named Hugo Drax, now I'm stuck working for these people" said Mia, who was perhaps a relative of a woman Bond knew long ago.

"Don't you recognize me?" asked Bond.

"I certainly recognize you," said Polla Ivanova, a beautiful Russian lady in a black jumpsuit. "I tried to trick you so many times in my life, failing each time"  
"Good times, good times Polla. So tell me, why are you here? Same reason as the others? You don't strike me as a scientist" said Bond.

"No, Mr. Bond. I am not a scientist. I am conducting research on this rogue facility on behalf of the Russian government" explained Polla.

"Is that so? Well perhaps all four of us should team up and figure out how to get the hell out of here" said Bond.

"I would, but I have a bubble bath to attend to, and some Chaikovsky. I love Chaikovsky!" said Polla.

"I do not care for music. I make machines!" said Natayla.  
"I for one much prefer Beethoven, such raw accentuated passion!" said Mia.  
"Well, me, Natayla and Mia will attempt to find out what sort of clown is behind all this" said Bond.  
"Natayla and I knew each other in college" said Mia.  
"Her real name isn't Mia. People make fun of her for her real name" said Natayla.  
"Oh?" asked Bond.  
"She lies. My real name is indeed Mia Gala Brand, I am named for my gallantry in the field of science" replied Mia.  
"How is your husband these days?" asked Bond.  
"He was murdered by a British spy named Mr. Smyde, I'm afraid," explained Mia.  
"Shame, shame. Shocking, positively shocking. Mr. Brand was a lucky man" replied Bond. Another beautiful woman attempted to approach Bond.

"Hello, my name is Sophia Primrose, History Channel!" said Sophia, an English lady. However, Bond could not see or hear her.

"I don't think he hears you!" said Zach Brown, her boyfriend.

"Humph! It's like I'm from some other fictional universe or something," Sophia muttered, storming off.

Meanwhile, Swann had been taken hostage by some guards and was stuck tied up against the wall in a small padded room. A very strange man named Pomerov was watching after her, pacing back and forth smoking. Swann suspected he had been drinking, too much in fact.

"All we do here is clean up old nuclear reactors, there is no need for your Canadian government to be so suspicious of our actions" said Pomerov.

"I keep telling you, I am not working for Canada!" shouted Swann.  
"You can't fool me. You Canadian spies have a way of figuring out what we Russians are up to all the time" said Pomerov.  
"I am not Canadian," replied Swann. "What on Earth made you think zat?" she inquired. Pomerov flicked his smoke above a spare tray in the corner, then stroked  
his massive chin.  
"Ahem, well, to be honest I am not entirely sure. Perhaps it is your complexion? No. That cannot be it. You're very outgoing, polite, and yet tough as Russian nails? No, that isn't it either. Your hair, perhaps? No. I don't know why, you just seemed as Canadian as sweet maple syrup to me" explained Pomerov.  
"Ugh, where is James?" shouted Swann.  
"James? Who is James? Oh, you mean James Bond? The James Bond? The one spoken of in legends and fairy tales to young future spies? He is being taken care of  
by three charming ladies who are very skilled. That is truly all I know" said Pomerov in a heavy Russian accent.  
"What are you going to do with me?" asked Swann.  
"Oh, do not worry. I don't intend to harm you in any way. I just want to find out who you're working for and then dispose of you in a remote area, give you  
a firm warning, and turn you away" replied Pomerov.  
"Is that really all?" asked Swann.  
"Well, I do want some information, heh heh" replied Pomerov.  
"I am a French spy. I work for France" replied Swann.  
"Ah, that is it? You are French! Mmuah. Perfecto, I knew I would eventually decode your well-hidden identity under that cleverly created Canadian subterfuge" said Pomerov.  
"Ugh!" shouted Swann, rolling her eyes.

"Although, your soul, your soul is that of an Italian countess, I swear!" said Pomerov. Swann felt a slight eeri and sentimental feeling when he said this, but she brushed it off.

"I'm from Denmark, just give it up already" said Swann.

"Oh? Is that it? I knew I would figure it out eventually" said Pomerov.

"Heheh. Aheheh. Ehhhh!" moaned Swann.

"Venesco!" said Pomerov.

"Excuse me?" asked Swann.

"Venesco, it is Latin for dissapear. You went to Harvard my love, you should know this. I must vanesco!" said Pomerov.

"Oh, I see. You must go then" replied Swann.

"Yes, I must go now, there are some suffering gray aliens in need of grains, chocolate and nutrients on Level B," said Pomerov, depositing his cigarette butt on the ground.

Then, whom should enter the room but someone who looked sort of like Francisco Scaramanga, with a whip in tow, grinning ear to ear. Swann knew she had to do something now. She lifted up her shoe and poisoned him with her poison tipped shoe-spike. After he fell dead, a small army laser went flying out of his pocket. Swann could just barely reach it.

However, she did, and she cut herself free. She then heard her phone beep. It was yet another text from Moneypenny, Swann certainly did not have a lack of them.

Later...

Bond, SOMEHOW, had ended up in a hot tub with all three women.  
"So, Mr. Bond are the bubbles uplifting for you?" asked Polla.  
"Yes, quite, actually" replied Bond.  
"We should all massage his neck" suggested Mia.  
"I will not participate in such a ritual" said Natayla. But suddenly, the entire room began shaking, as if an earthquake was happening. Swann had gotten free,  
killed Pomerov, and set off much panic throughout the facility. She entered the room, shocked to see Bond.

"Who-who might you be?" asked Bond. Swann suddenly appeared calm and collected, as she blew steam off of Scaramanga's golden gun.

"I'm the woman with the golden gun!" replied Swann, her left hand on her hip.

"Have you been making poses in the mirror with that thing?" asked Bond.

"Um, no, no not at all!" replied Swann, looking embarrassed.

"I see. Well Swann what should we do?" asked Bond.

"Who's Swann?" asked Polla, looking concerned.  
"We must evacuate immediately, so the British can do their job" said Swann.  
"He is most certainly doing his job" said Polla.  
"No, she's right I'm afraid," said Bond, rushing to put some clothes on.  
"Who is this girl?" asked Polla.  
"I don't know," replied Bond. "I've never seen her before"  
"Are you serious?" asked Mia and Polla unanimously.  
"Well, to be quite honest she's a doctor I'm afraid. Doctor Swann to be precise. Come on ladies, let's go" said Bond.

"Can't we stay here? We have a saying in Russia, when riding a horse in deep water it can be arduous to dismount it then mount again" said Polla.

"English equivalent would be to change horses mid-stream well that's what we're gonna have to do, come on ladies" said

"Well, okay. After all we do have another saying in Russia. Strike when the iron is still hot!" said Polla.

The secret agent man song plays in the background, I'm sorry, it just does:

Bond, now assembling an army of highly trained skilled female doctors and spies began attempting to guide them out of the building so the British government could  
do its job of removing the giant weapon from Russian hands. As Bond and the women made their way out of the facility, they saw that the weapon was not being lifted up by the British, but by a helicopter marked with a name. That name read:

ZORIN INDUSTRIES. A SUBSIDIARY OF SPECTRE.

"Oh god. Pomerov rewired the device before he was killed and used it to summon Zorin! Now Zorin has the weapon!" said Bond.  
"What are we going to do now?" asked Swann.  
"We're going to have to spend the night here under the mountains. We don't have any reliable way of contacting our respective governments, our technology  
was taken from us by the guards" explained Bond.  
"Yes, even ours" said Polla and Natalya.

That night Bond and his extremely talented group of friends set up sleeping bags on the other side of the mountain, waiting to spot MI6 helicopters. Come on man, you loved Skyfall right?

Bond and Polla were exchanging cigarretes, Swann and Mia Gala Brand were playing Pettaia on a board Swann had purchased back in Greece. Natayla Simonova was reading a science magazine.  
"When I was young, I believed in the Russian fairy tale of Alklha, the space-man," said Polla. She continued,  
"They say he was a space-man who slowly nibbled away at the moon. One day, he devoured the  
entire thing. It didn't agree with him. So he tried for the sun. It was too hot. This is what happens when the sun and moon dissapear for time, they are devoured by Alklha. Alosha slays the dragons of Alklha and brings them back from the dark entity representing the void of space, Alklha. He never remembers his inability  
to digest planets and stars due to the fact he is a slave to his greedy apetite of destruction" explained Polla.  
"Well, green cheese probably wouldn't sit very well with me either" said Bond, taking a puff from a fancy chocolate cigar he was sharing with Polla.

"I suppose Alklha is SPECTRE, swallowing up nations, and you are the great hero Alosha!" suggested Polla. Bond rolled his eyes.

"Try to forget about it, it's been a long night and I'm exhausted" said Bond. Later, Swann arrived on the scene.

"BOND, BOND! I found one more transmiting device in my purse! We can get the British to pick us up!" said Swann.  
"With my technical know how I can rewire it to fit all your needs if need be. I once worked on the Goldeneye satellite, I didn't listen to classical music" said Natayla.

"She is such a tomboy" said Polla. "I was for a while, didn't even like classical music either.

Then in a burst of pleasure, I found Chaikovsky, or rather he found me, while bathing. It was a special moment, not all can relate," spoke Polla.  
"You people have to leave?" asked Bond.  
"We can't join you. We have our own missions to do for our respective governments" said Natayla.  
"We'd love to join you. But it isn't practical" explained Polla.  
"Yes, I suppose that's true. Well, Swann, glad you still had that" said Bond.  
"The missile, Bond. It's in the wrong hands! We must find out where it's being taken!" said Swann. Just then a flashing light could be seen in the skies above.

"Is that the helicopter?" asked Natalya.

"I wish it were. I think it's probably just a UFO" said Bond.

"Have you been briefed on them?" asked Polla.

"Oh, seen a classified photo here and there, don't tell anyone" replied Bond.

"Polla, why did you ask Bond such a question? I once worked for a man obsessed with space, do you have any theories about the planets?" asked Mia.

"No, though I do feel bad for our own planet, Mother Earth. The rumors about her are obviously untrue. As a woman, no one wants to be seen as flat" said Polla.

LATER ON...

The British Secret Service picked up Bond and Swann in a helicopter. Bond and Swann had a lot of explaining to do.  
They had essentially failed their mission to secure the device. Bond then phoned Felix. Felix met with Bond the following morning and explained to him everything  
that SPECTRE was planning to do. He also told him he and the CIA would attempt to recover the missile as it was being  
sent to an undisclosed location, to let the Americans handle it.  
He told Bond to go to Spain, and due to the Russian mission being somewhat of a flop, M ordered Bond to take Polla with him instead of Swann.

"Bond, take that CIA agent Polly with you" said M over the phone.

"She's not in the CIA she's Russian Intelligence. It was my fault, I screwed up the mission. And her name isn't Polly. Why can't I take Swann?" asked Bond.

"It's an order, Bond. Now, back to my stories" said M taking a puff from his cigar. He thought Polla was a "more experienced agent," which wasn't really true, as Polla had screwed up almost every mission she had ever been on, including acquiring music tapes instead of information. But...that's how it went down. I would have preferred he take Swann too.

Bond hesitantly agreed. MEANWHILE...…

THE ULTIMATE FATE OF JW PEPPER AND HIS DAUGHTER REVEALED, in NEXT CHAPTER.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: JW Pepper's House:

JW Pepper was watching TV. He heard the doorbell ring. When he answered, it was a man who looked like Scaramanga, apparently Swann didn't really kill him? He could hear some mumbling about losing in a game of chess to a woman. Then the man began speaking as to why he had shown up.

"I'm here for my improvised shooting instrument," said Scaramanga. "I would ordinarily borrow a replica from my deviant twin but he had an accident in the Russian mountains," he added.

"Is this some kind of joke, boy? You look like a komodo dragon who hasn't seen enough sunlight, boy!" said JW.

"There's no joking, but there is a problem," said Scaramanga, pulling a pistol on JW. "I know your daughter has my golden killing utensil"

"You can't pull a gun on me, I'm a peace officer!" said JW.

"You're a fat sack of shit is what you are. I'll let you live if you show me where the golden gun is!" said Scaramanga.

"A golden gun? Pele, one of your god damn boyfriends is here!" said JW.

"A boyfriend? Where?" asked Pele.

"I don't know. This guy says he wants your golden gun" said JW.

"Oh, I got that at a gift shop. There's no reason to give it up" said Pele.

"Oh, there's a reason!" said Scaramanga, pointing a gun to JW's head.

"He really wants it. Says he'll shoot me if I don't give it to him" replied JW.

"Is this one of those stupid bad guys James always deals with?" asked Pele.

"Hell if I know, girl!" said JW.

Pele went to her room and got the golden gun. She then hid in a corner up some stairs, pushing away a statue of a crouching policewoman and taking its place.

She then began aiming at Scaramanga, who was also aiming a gun at her father. Pele fired a shot that hit Scaramanga right in the chest, and he fell to the floor, stone dead.

"What the hell? A ghost got him, that's gotta be it!" said JW.

"I'm glad he got his gun back, bullets and all!" said Pele, giggling.

"Holy smokes! Did you see what happened to him?" asked JW. He then saw a golden gun in Pele's hands.

"Oh, now that's just ridiculous" said JW.

"Don't you think James would be impressed?" asked Pele.

"I keep telling you, forget about Jimbo. He's a scumbag!" said JW.

"That's what they say about all real men! If it wasn't for scumbags you'd be dead! He saved your life!" shouted Pele.

"Listen pumpkin, nobody ever has to save the life of JW Peppah" said JW.

"I just did save your life. And Bond did too!" said Pele.

"Yeah. Says the lady who was in a skimpy cat suit that showed her mid-riff!" said JW.

"I was doing undercover work so no one would know I was a cop. I was taking down a prostitution ring!" said Pele.

"Yeah, that's what they all say!" said JW.

Mable, JW's wife came into the living room.

"JW, no firing guns in the house, I already told youuu!" said Mable.

"Yes dear" replied JW.

A midget could be seen attaching something to the wall, presumably a spy surveillance device.

"Who the hell are you?" asked JW.

"I'm Nick Nack. My boss sometimes called me the Listening Bug. Before your daughter killed him" said Nick Nack.

"Can he stay here with us Daddy?" asked Pele.

Find out about Bond and Polla's mission in Spain in the next chapter!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: There's a bull fight in my soul

"I love the bull fight, it is so romantic," said Polla.

"Yes, I suppose," said Bond.

"Is something wrong?" asked Polla.

"Just a mid-life crisis," replied Bond.

"Oh, well, is there anything an old flame can do?" said Polla, reaching for Bond's hand.

"There's nothing you can do for a dead man whose job it is to kill people" replied Bond.

Then, a Mexican spy in the audience gave Bond and Polla info on where Ramirez was hiding.

Later...…...

James Bond arrived at the meth warehouse of Ramirez. Everything in the background went to black and white. As he and Polla blasted their way through the enemy, this song played, and everything felt like a dream, Bond thought of Swann the entire time:

The Who- Nobody Knows What it's Like to be the Sad Man

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like  
To be hated  
To be fated  
To telling only lies

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be (Bond is stabbing a baddie to death as this line plays)

I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free (Bond and Polla shoot five people and then briefly kiss as this line plays)

No one knows what it's like  
To feel these feelings  
Like I do  
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard  
On their anger  
None of my pain and woe  
Can show through

But my dreams  
They aren't as empty  
As my conscience seems to be (Brief vision of Bond marrying Swann appears over the music)

I have hours, only lonely  
My love is vengeance  
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open  
Before I use it and lose my cool  
When I smile, tell me some bad news  
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil  
Put your finger down my throat (Polla has a gun down a baddies throat as this line plays)  
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket  
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat (Bond and Polla are seen drinking hot coco in a blanket, Polla attempting to rest grumpy Bond under her vinyl duffl coat)

No one knows what it's like  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes

James and Polla reached a room where they were confronted by a giant burly man with shiny metal teeth. He began attempting to pick up Polla, but as Polla was lifted into his arms, she exposed his teeth to an electric device for six seconds, which caused his whole body to be electrocuted. He lay on the floor, seemingly dead.

"How did you know to do that?" asked Bond. "I could never figure out how to kill him," he added.

"I learned a lot about Jaws on my first date with him. That, and a little Russian know how!" replied Polla.

"You...dated Jaws?" asked Bond, perplexed.

"Darling, there's only seven people in the world worth getting involved with, I've only truly been with six, and he was one of them" replied Polla.

"And you've had your six? Knowing Jaws is one of them, I hate to meet the others" said Bond.

"You're one of them, too!" said Polla.

"Oh, fair point," replied Bond. "So you like both refined and unrefined, eh?" he added.

"Jaws is refined, when you really really get to know him on a deep level" replied Polla.

Finally, they reached the room where the boss was purported to be but it wasn't Carlos. It was none other than Max Zorin. This shocked Bond quite a bit, and Carlos was lying dead on the floor.

"That's rather neat, don't you think?" said Zorin, speaking of his murder of Carlos.

"Um...not really actually" replied Polla.

"Zorin! We played bridge in California and you lost! How could you be alive?" said Bond.

"The good professor had you battling a decoy created by scientists, I lived out the remainder of my life in an underground Russian base!" explained Zorin.

"No way, I don't believe that! You survived the fall or something" said Bond.

"Polla, my cute little commie comrade, you finally reached me successfully. How amusing!" said Zorin. Polla stuck her tongue out at Zorin, mocking him, but Bond told her not to do that.

"Tell me everything you know!" said Bond, pointing his gun at Zorin.

"Listen, Bond, I'd love to stay and chat, but as it stands I'm happiest...in the cockpit! I have some business to attend to!" said Zorin, as he was lifted up into a helicopter. Bond attempted to shoot him,

but Zorin was wearing heavy body armor. Bond contacted MI6 and he established contact with Swann yet again.

The weapon was still being carried away, the CIA assured Bond they would take care of it and MI6 told Bond to return to Greece, as there were still enemies

on the prowl attempting to take out their leader. But Bond was anxious to put a stop to SPECTRE and recover the weapon on his own. The man with shiny metal

teeth came back to life and attempted to catch Bond, but Bond escaped in a flying machine sent by MI6, which then picked up Jaws with a crane-like device.

Then the machine deposited Jaws into an isolated corner far away from Bond and Polla's location.

The machine then proceeded to fire a missile at Jaws, hoping that would do the trick. It probably didn't. Really, probly didn't.

We find out what happened between Zorin and Ramirez.

"So, what is this joint venture?" asked Ramirez.  
"It's a special kind of chip. Has a very high quantity of something you love, ah-hahah!" said Zorin.  
"What? What are you doing? No, no. You're not going to put that under my skin?" asked Ramirez.  
"It's the only way our two businesses can succesfuly merge" replied Zorin. After the dark deed had been done, Ramirez shrieked and jumped out a window, while  
Zorin watched with sick pleasure.

FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH BLOFELD IN PRISON IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, AND ALSO THE FINAL BATTLE!

HOLY SHMOKES, THE WORLD IS REALLY COUNTING ON YOU NOW!


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: Blofeld, Zorin, Bond, Swann, and the fate of the world

Note: Everything I say about Blofeld's background save for a few details about his childhood, etc can be backed up and verified on his official Wikipedia page.

A prison somewhere in England:

A large helicopter landed on the prison. Many strange men emerged in bizzare garb and began entering. Blofeld had a tiny microscopic undetectable device that he had been using to control the going-ons of SPECTRE the entire time, though he had been in prison, in truth he was running the show. Why did he not escape before you ask?

He was waiting for the construction of a massive hideout. We'll get to that stuff later.

We join Blofeld in the lunch room:

"Hooo, it's a hard knock life!" said one prisoner, taking a bite of food that was not very good. (Yes, this IS an Austin Powers 3 reference)

"I propose a toast to the dregs of society!" said another prisoner.

"Ahhh, my in-mates. Are we truly the dregs of society? We are the kings! Well, at least...I am!" said a voice. It was Blofeld.

"Not a monster, just ahead of the curve eh?" said one prisoner.

"Far ahead. Farther ahead than anyone. When society breaks down, and I will ensure that it will, I'll appear to be you know...the normal one. The dark deeds of people and shadows will be exonerated and I alone will be treated as a god" said Blofeld.

"Who are you anyway? You've just been sitting there with that creepy grin for half an hour" said one prisoner.

"I'm a man of taste. Does anyone here think that it would be quite enjoyable to run a place like this?" asked Blofeld. The other in-mates were bewildered.  
"That's the last thing I would ever think. Not even for a second," replied one in-mate.  
"I guess I'm the strange one. You know, I once fantasized about running a very large prison. I would feed my prisoners very small portions of food,  
and then when they begged for more, I would call them a poor angel and serve them nothing" replied Blofeld.  
"Someone get this guy out of here, he's not one of us" said another in-mate.  
"I was merely trying to start an interesting discussion. Believe me, I am no fan of this place. I would like to slowly torment whomever is responsible for putting us in these inhumane conditions for hours. Slowly dip their bodies into a boiling mud bath, or a pot of liquid hot magma, in fact" said Blofeld.

"That I can agree with," said one in-mate. "Who is this guy anyway? Dr. Evil? I mean this guy is a total clown" said one man.  
"I kind of like him" said another.  
"Lots of people here like me. I am a patron of the arts, a true visionary. I studied Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe, the greats. Everyone loves my ass, although they won't admit it" said Blofeld.

"Everyone always loves your ass. When you're in prison!" said one man. Everyone in the room laughed.

"Well, I have yet to drop the soap in that regard. You know, I may be here quite a while. Unless of course, a friend comes through for me" said Blofeld.  
"What kind of friend?" asked an in-mate.

"Special kind of friend with special connections. I was part of a very influential group. I did also hire two very professional charming men off of the dark web, Wint, Kidd. But they probably won't come through. I digress. My life story is very interesting. Would any of you like to hear it?" asked Blofeld.

"I would!" said one man in the room whom everyone eyed suspiciously.

"Good, I'll start from the beginning," said Blofeld. He was about to continue but was rudely interrupted. "Don't tell me you have three testicles" said one man.  
"Would you mind shutting your mouth, or should I cut off your balls and put them in said mouth? Now, I must begin," said Blofeld.

"I was born in Gdingen, Germany. My childhood was not the best, but it had its moments. My parents moved to Skyfall, Britain when I was very young. My father, Hannes Oberhauser loved England, my mother, you know, she was more conflicted perhaps about the whole thing. She told me all I needed to know about England. But eventually they agreed to go to Britain, and I was raised on a mountain-summit house with my adoptive brother, James Bond.  
There were many memorable times, it was fun tormenting him, his silly games made as much sense as the non-existant sharp teeth of a glow-worm!" explained Blofeld.

"Tell us more about James" said the prisoner.

"Cute little fellow actually. He would pretend he was a magical wizard who could transform into a bird, I mean I don't entirely blame him but I took advantage of that in many ways. He wanted me to pretend to be his pet dragon, and I took him up on it a few times. The poor cuckoo never sprouted wings.

Not in the literal sense at least. Over the years I began to realize my own father had betrayed me by taking in Bond.

I helped him learn to ski, he never would have learned to ski if it were not for me, but did my father ever give me credit? No. I don't think it's because of my father's age, or that I never told him I was the one, no, I think it was because he was somewhat of an ass. One day, while he was climbing down the mountain, I was much older at the time, I faked an avalanche and had the old man killed. I found it quite amusing. I did not learn to study and enjoy pain by torturing ants as some do, no, instead I had the pleasure of murdering a fellow human being. Another person! So I was quite experienced as a killer from a young age. In my adulthood, my hatred for England was so strong that I used what some would call blackmail or threats. I would personally prefer what I do to be known simply as a form of high stakes crowdfunding with aggressive terms and conditons. I threatened all the world powers. I told them I would wipe out England's live-stalk with bacteriological warfare weapons crafted by my beautiful brainwashed angels of death unless Britain recognized my brilliance and made me into a count. They did not learn to take me seriously. Zat is another story. Only one would do the job, so Bond stopped me on his own, and then me and my associate Irma killed his wife to punish him. We all have our past-times, you know, some people learn to play the violin. One of mine was murdering Bond's girlfriends, I think it is as valid as any" said Blofeld.

"What is the most difficult part of threats and killings? And when did you start your organization?" asked the prisoner.

"Well, the most difficult is killing my innocent subordinates who mess up and fail me. It breaks my fragile heart to have to do it, what most do not realize is it takes much more strength to destroy those weak subordinates than threaten the strong superpowers. As for my organization? Spectre? I graduated with a degree in Political History and Science of Economics in Warsaw Germany as an adult. I was able to use this knowledge to build an extensive private intelligence network of people who knew how to fund both sides of wars, international conflict, this was the pinnacle of beauty. It helped me deal with the fights I had with James, knowing that through fighting could come very good things such as freedom, security, peace. I could make copies of top-secret wires, sell them to regimes that rivaled even Soviet Russia and Nazi Germany in greatness. This I found particularly fascinating. It was like betting on a horse race! As soon as I realized I could do this...I felt a sense of freedom I had never felt before. If I disagreed with the policies of a government, I could step in with my boys, and some girls as well, and using moles within well known organizations we could completely restructure any country. Picking up dissatisfied people was easy.

Creating dissatisfaction and division? Much harder but well worth the effort.

We could make the world a better place. And so I saw to it that that is exactly what I would be doing. And now I am being punished for it! I tell you, I am a misunderstood and very wise man!" explained Blofeld in a very angry somber tone.

"Bravo! But I don't believe it for a second. The skills, the funds, where from? You're mentally ill and you think you're some kind of James Bond villain" said one man.

"Well, if you don't believe I am a self-made man you would be correct in your assertion to a degree!" said Blofeld.

"Oh?" asked a prisoner.

"A good chunk of my life I do not quite remember" said Blofeld.

"What little of it do you remember?" asked the same prisoner.

"Well, you see when I started my firm these sort of recurring dreams of...oh...shadowy figures that would periodically take me into dark rooms and subject me to sort of...clay portraits of things. They would take large lumps of clay and mold it into various things in front of me, funny. Ha!" said Blofeld.

"That doesn't even make any sense" said a prisoner.

"I could never figure out who these sort of clay..people were.

Nor could I even tell what sort of almost...otherworldly group they worked for!

They told me to infiltrate several nations. I was also not entirely sure if the creatures were real!" said Blofeld.

Now everyone was very confused.

"So we have a guy who can barely remember how he founded his own organization that had nightmares about Claymation specials" said the same prisoner.

"I still say you're like a James Bond villain" said another prisoner.

"James Bond? I am going to kill James Bond" said Blofeld.

"Good luck, he doesn't exist" replied a prisoner.

"Mr. Fleming wrote those novels to help cover up a real double agent you know, a literal globe trotting time traveler, James Bond!" replied Blofeld.

"Um...fine? You're still mentally ill," said the fellow prisoner.  
"Mentally ill? Oh, perhaps a little, haha. Cuckoo! What makes me any less entitled to run the world? But despite what I have said, I have no interest in helping you escape, you're nothing more than common criminals. That was what my organization was at one time comprised of. It grew larger and larger!" explained Blofeld.

"What makes you so special?" asked a prisoner munching on a chicken leg.

"Well good sir, call me snobbish, but I consider myself the most grandiose of all humans on earth, I am a savior" said Blofeld.  
"If you are, we're in trouble" said one in-mate.  
"Oh, I think we're all in trouble. What's that? On the rooftop?" asked Blofeld. Everyone began hearing sounds. Blofeld then began stabbing guards to death, left and right, jabbing them in the chests and stomachs, stealing their uniform. Then he went all the way down the halls to his cell where the ceiling had been broken through by some members of a team. The team members pulled up Blofeld.  
"Way to go Blofeld. You outdid yourself, truly, ah-hah-hah-hah!" laughed the masked hooded man who revealed himself to be Zorin as he lifted up Blofeld onto a helicopter.

We join Bond and Swann:

"Wow," said Bond, thinking things over. Bond and Swann were now in a hotel room in Greece. "What is it?" asked Swann.  
"The things Felix told me seemed outlandish at first. But it's apparently true" said Bond.  
"What is true?" asked Swann, who was brushing her hair in bed.  
"Blofeld escaped from prison, apparently. He and SPECTRE are killing every world leader they can't pay off. They'll do anything! Blackmail world powers with the threat of nukes, stage a coup, anything. This can't be allowed to continue. We have to stop them!" said Bond.  
"How are we going to stop zem?" asked Swann.  
"We're going to have to go to the heart of their operations, yet again. This time I hope I can finally kill that bloody bastard Blofeld. Swann, if you only knew the pain he's caused me" said Bond.  
"I do know," said Swann. "You think you do, but you don't. Only someone who's experienced it firsthand can truly know. This man was a thorn in my side my whole life, and now he wants the world" said Bond.  
"Why didn't you kill him before? You emptied your cartridge and walked away" suggested Swann.  
"You," replied Bond. "You're the reason I didn't"

"So...in your naive ways you thought that love could overcome all and you would not have to kill an evil man?" asked Swann.

"Something like that, sure, whatever. All I know is I have to stop him" said Bond.  
"Correction Mr. Bond, we have to stop him" replied Swann.  
"We're going to. Very soon. Tomorrow we leave on a plane for Japan. This is going to sound insane, but Blofeld is apparently living in a volcano lair within Mount Shinmoedake. He's going by a new alias, calling himself Edmund Shatterhand. I don't care, I'm going to call him Blofeld. If we don't stop SPECTRE soon, everyone in the world could be in danger" said Bond.  
"I believe you," said Swann.

The following morning...

Bond and Swann began driving to the airport. But they saw that they were being followed by none other than Reah Selone in her Ferrari F355!  
"Hightail it!" said Swann.  
"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" laughed Reah, as she unleashed a copied version of the Q device onto Bond's car.  
"Aieeeee!" shrieked Swann. "Oh good god, push the ejector seats!" said Bond as he was spinning around. "DO IT, NOW!"  
"Ejector seat? What you mean Bond?" asked Swann.  
"DO IT!" said Bond. Swann finally saw the ejector button and pushed it, and Bond did as well. They went flying into the air, and their car crashed and blew up,  
but only after it had spun out of control, colliding with Reah's car, sending it falling down a cliff. Reah seemingly perished in the flames. Bond and Swann looked over the top.  
"I think she was on her way to a funeral!" said Bond.

The next few days, and after some car repairs by Q, who was less than happy...Bond and Swann arrived in the parking lot of the airport after bypassing any potential car-chases using a device given to them by Q that temporarily converted the Aston Martin DB5 into a fully functional plane.

Everyone in the parking lot was shocked to see Bond and Swann's device, checking to make sure they had not had one too many sips of wine.

Many international flights later:

Bond and Swann arrived in Tokyo, Japan, and were welcomed by gorgeous cherry blossoms, skyscrapers, bridges, pagodas, temples, and bustling street corners of all kinds.

"I have a contact in the Natsumi Hinata Fukanuji Mochi Shop who's an old friend of mine, Tiger Tanaka. He's the head of the Japanese Secret Service, and he should be able to help us get to Blofeld's volcano lair and put an end to all this madness once and for all" said Bond.  
"That was a mouthful. And then what?" asked Swann. Bond had a tear in his eye.  
"And then we'll discuss our plans for the future" suggested Bond.

"Bond, there was something in your dossier about having a Japanese wife at one time?" asked Swann.

"Oh. Rumors that were highly exaggerated," replied Bond.

Bond entered the Mochi Shop.  
"Ah, Konichiwa Bond-San. Welcome to my shop. Can I interest you in some free mochi?" asked Tiger.

"Do I look like the sort of person who would eat something like that? Answer correctly and I'll eat it" said Bond.

"No," replied Tiger.

"Yes then, of course," said Bond picking up a strawberry chocolate mochi and putting it in his mouth. It surprised him how delicious it really was.

"Tell me, what color are the cherry blossoms this year?" asked Bond.  
"Same color as always, Bond-san. Purple. Come in to the back room, I tell you more" said Tiger.  
"Good," said Bond, following Tiger. "How are your ninja men?"  
"As sharp as ever," said Tiger. "I can get lots of them to help you"

Later...

The James Bond Theme plays in the background:

Bond and Swann were jet skiing to the volcano with the assistance of Mr. Tanaka. SPECTRE agents were following behind. Bond, Tanaka, and Swann shot them dead as they continued attempting to approach them, one by one. One of them landed smack-dab in the mouth of a fearsomely large fish native to Japan as he was shot.

"Bon Appétit," said Swann, giggling. Bond then activated a switch on the jet ski that propelled a large wave of water backwards. Thinking he would lose them completely, Bond and Swann converted their jet skiis into flying vehicles for a brief period of time, but ultimately crashed back down into the water, sending a large wave backwards towards the SPECTRE agents, drowning them out for a bit. Finally, they reached the volcano.

Later:

Bond arrives at the top of the mountain. Swann was being watched over by Felix briefly.  
"Okay, Tiger, I'm going in. I'll send you folks an electronic signal using what is called a 'radio' in case I require your assistance" said Bond.  
"Right," replied Tiger, giving Bond a thumbs up. Bond, wearing a disguise after having seen what SPECTRE employees wear during a top secret briefing made his way inside. The guards recognized him as one of them, and let him right on through. When Bond reached the center of the volcano, he saw a massive amount of work going on. A large nuclear weapon was being worked on, of some sort. Surrounding the weapon were massive amounts of shimmering opalescent crystals and gemstones.

There, in the center of the large hollowed out room was Blofeld himself, sitting on a throne like chair,  
encrusted with golden skulls on each arm. He was stroking his cat nonchalantly, while patiently awaiting Armageddon.

"Ahh, my darling little demonic smooshberry, you and I will soon see our new world soaked in the delicious blood of our enemies!" said Blofeld.

"Sir, you may want to stop stroking your cat for a few minutes and pay attention to our new guest!" shouted a man in SPECTRE uniform.

"I must feed my cat!" shouted Blofeld, giving his white Persian something that from a distance resembled fish, but may not have been.

"You have a few minutes, if you're lucky" said the SPECTRE minion.

"Gog and Magog, my two skulls, I musn't forget to feed them as well! They love the energy of new guests!" said Blofeld.

He caught sight of Bond, who had just entered the room. Blofeld then began speaking through a large microphone telecom device.

"We have an imposter in the building. I repeat, we have an imposter in the building," said Blofeld. He continued,

"Do not kill him. Bring him to me, so that I can deal with him" demanded Blofeld. Blofeld's men seized Bond, and placed him before Blofeld.  
"Remove his helmet," suggested Blofeld.  
"Oh, good god it's you again. Why didn't you have your men kill me?" said Bond.

"Haha. Like you don't know. James, James, James. Oh, James, you silly man, don't ruin our ritual" said Blofeld.

"Blofeld, is that large device the thing that was sent to you by Zorin from the Russian base?" asked Bond.

"Yes, and it will serve me quite well in international blackmail purposes, will it not? Bond, you can't expect to stop me this time" said Blofeld.

"Yes, I will. I will stop you Ernst Stavro Blofeld!" said Bond.  
"Oh, James. James Bond. Tell me, where is the darling beautiful little girl you had with you before? Is she dead?" asked Blofeld.  
"She wasn't little. And she wasn't a girl. And she certainly isn't dead, and she never will be, Blofeld!" said Bond.

"Haha, I'd be one terrible in-law wouldn't I?" said Blofeld.

"You already are. Swann is soon to be my wife" said Bond.  
"No no no. We all have our time to go, Mr. Bond. And sooner or later, when I decide it is right, her time will come" said Blofeld.  
"You think you're God, don't you?" said Bond.  
"I do not think it, Mr. Bond. I am God. Indeed. Haha. It sounds childish perhaps, but I am. I am God!" said Blofeld.  
"No way in hell. If you're God what are you doing in hell?" asked Bond.  
"Excuse me?" asked Blofeld.  
"A volcano?" said Bond.  
"Oh, Bond, old man. I almost loved you. Your sense of humor is quite delectable. But I have prepared a special death for you, worthy of a man of your stature" said Blofeld.

"Thank you so much. I'm honored" replied Bond.

"You should be. After all, it's me, it's always been me, the author of all your pain!" explained Blofeld.  
"You're sick, Blofeld" said Bond.  
"You know it's quite funny, someone in prison told me the same thing. I consider myself quite normal, isn't that funny? Well, my dear brother, through all of our tussles it's finally come to this!" said Blofeld.

"Finally come to what? One way or another I'm going to get out of this" said Bond. Blofeld chuckled.

"It doesn't matter, you're living in a world inside your head on my operating table!" said Blofeld.

"You're not going to confuse me with strange statements. You make life worth living don't you Blofeld?" said Bond sarcastically.

"Well, I derive great pleasure from making you doubt yourself, you know!" said Blofeld.

"I derive pleasure from making you realize it doesn't work" replied Bond.

"You know, it is as if I am your real father. I taught you to ski all those years ago on the mountains" said Blofeld.

"That's not the way I recall it" replied James.

"Come now. I once helped a woman named Ruby. You knew her well, quite intimately in fact. She used to have a most peculiar allergic reaction to birds, chickens I think it was. After hearing the soft nourishing sound of my voice...she was cured of her dilemma Mr. Bond! I assure you I would never have harmed her, she was my priceless red Ruby, and you stole her Mr. Bond!" said Blofeld.

"You were training her for biological warfare. Incredible she wasn't allergic to you. You're nothing but a chicken!" said Bond.

"Ha-ha-haa. Cuckoo thinks I am chicken. You think you came here to kill me, but as you so brilliantly put it long ago it is all a matter of perspective!" said Blofeld.

Bond suddenly felt the floors shift to trap his body in place. A giant computerized mechanical eye came down from the ceiling and began firing a laser, slowly, inch by inch making its way towards Bond's body.  
"Do you really expect this to work?" said Bond.  
"Yes, I do, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die! Goodbye, James Bond. Remember, Cuckoooo!" said Blofeld, stroking his cat and leaving the room. Bond signaled the Japanese Secret Service. But they did not seem to be coming. Bond waited and waited. The laser was within seconds of hitting Bond, when suddenly someone de-activated the machine. It was none other than Felix Leiter and Dr. Swann.

"SWANN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I told you this was a personal vengence thing!" shouted Bond. Felix and Swann had borrowed SPECTRE uniforms and were hiding amongst the crowd. Suddenly, the Japanese Secret Service arrived. Bond raced up to Swann and Felix, told them everything. So Swann, Bond, and Felix raced out of the volcano, hoping the entire situation would be dealt with in due time. But Blofeld came running out of the volcano all the way to the summit of the mountain. He was shocked to the core when he saw Bond and Swann alive.

"You disappoint me, James. I thought I killed you" said Blofeld.

"Stand back," said James. "Let me have a chat with my brother"

"James, you do realize I have armies on my side?" said Blofeld.

"Your entire army is being obliterated right now. You probably won't live to hear the screams but you'll hear plenty on your way to Hell!" said Bond.

"Look behind you, unless you want to lose another special woman in your life" said Blofeld. Two men in SPECTRE uniforms were grabbing hold of Swann.

"What are you doing to her? Do anything to her Blofeld and you'll suffer a death more painful than any man ever faced. You let her go now!" said Bond pulling out his gun and shooting the two men before they could grab Swann.

"Oh, pity you killed those two men. I wasn't going to kill her. I was going to give her to my Special Trafficking division of SPECTRE" said Blofeld.

"What sort of man are you Blofeld? You're not any sort of man. You're a disgrace to humanity!" said Bond, approaching Blofeld. Blofeld, out of nerve impulse let his own Luger gun go flying into the air landing in the Japanese seawaters. Blofeld now realized what was about to happen.

"Bond, there are better ways to solve this problem. I can make a place for you within SPECTRE. Get you even more money than you already have, and women" said Blofeld.

"First, there's NO WAY that could be true, but I have all the money I need, and every woman I've ever been with pales in comparison to the one you tried to take away from me!" replied Bond.

"A loyal, devoted Bond? I have heard funnier things before" said Blofeld.

"It probably sounds a bit...cuckoo!" said Bond, slowly approaching Blofeld.

"Kill me why don't you? I'd like to see you try, you little cuckoo! There are still better ways to solve this problem, jump off the mountain for one!" said Blofeld.  
"Better ways to solve the problem? You told me that out of horror comes beauty, didn't you?" said Bond.  
"Yes, yes, I did. And I meant it," said Blofeld.  
"Well, now. Horror can also cause many bad things you know. You were behind the murder of Vesper Lynd, you once killed my wife, you threaten the world with death and destruction if certain people don't shower you with millions of dollars. You have no place in my world, Blofeld, and people like you will sadly always exist, but the less of them the better. Things may not ever be perfect. But, as you once said, a terrible event can sometimes lead to something wonderful!" said Bond, grabbing hold of Blofeld attempting to strangle him, but failing.

"JAMES!" shouted Swann, in the midst of Blofeld and Bond's struggle. She knew out of love she couldn't intervene, this was too personal, and if Bond died, so be it.

In the end of the struggle, Bond kicked Blofeld off the mountain, screaming. To make sure he got the job done, he used Swann's knife throwing device to strike him several times as his bleeding body fell, hopefully to its demise unless of course he landed on a cliff edge and the knife wounds were not fatal. Knowing Blofeld, anything is possible, though Bond did hear him land in the waters of Japan.

"What happened?" asked Swann.  
"He certainly made a splash" replied Bond. Suddenly, Felix noticed a helicopter appearing as if from nowhere. A blonde man with blue eyes could be seen emerging from it climbing down on a rope.  
"I came to say congratulations," said Zorin. "Now that Blofeld is gone, my enterprise can finally succeed his and I can finally show the world true power"  
"So you killed Ramirez?" asked Swann.  
"Well, meth and microchips don't usually mix, though I wanted to inject him with a heavy overdose of that nature. And he didn't do very well as the head of SPECTRE it required more efficient management. Here's the deal, we keep this silent from the public and you let me form my own mass microchip corporation. I assure you, it will be nothing more than that. A microchip corporation, run by a man bursting with intuitive improvisation," said Zorin. He laughed, "Ah-hah-hah-huh!"  
"No," replied Bond. Zorin laughed, then began speaking:

"Listen, I didn't like SPECTRE. I don't trust them. I'm just in it for the money, I don't seek world domination" said Zorin.  
"Right," said Bond sarcastically.  
"Oh, well, I would stay and kill you, but I've made different arrangements" said Zorin getting into his helicopter. Bond attempted to shoot it down with the same precision accuracy he once had. But it was gone. And then he knew...the truth.


	13. Chapter 13

Epilogue:

Bond and Swann flew to the Cliffs of Dover, that notoriously famous English place, in England via plane. There, M and Q awaited them for a celebration.  
"Bond, Swann, sorry I've been such a bad MI6 chief!" said M.  
"Oh, you did your best. When is your resignation? Tomorrow?" asked Bond.  
"Yes. I think I'd be a better priest" replied M.  
"That...that he would actually" said Q, after giving it some deep thought.  
"I need to speak with Dr. Swann in private under the mountains. Is that alright?" asked Bond.  
"Yes, quite. Me and Q have great chemistry, we'll amuse ourselves quite easily" replied M.

Bond took Swann underneath the full moon. He got down on his knees, with tears in his eyes. Swann's eyes were filled with tears as well.  
"I never thought I'd say this to anyone ever again, or ever for that matter, but...Dr Swann...will you...make me the happiest former secret agent alive?" asked Bond.  
"Yes, yes, Bond. I will" replied Swann. Bond and Swann embraced and kissed for a long time under the full moon. Then, after a long while had gone by M and Q came over to greet them. "Bond! I was going to preside over your wedding! You haven't taken your vows yet" said M.  
"I don't need a priest. I don't need a best man. I need a doctor!" said Bond. M rolled his eyes, and pulled out a bible anyway. Or what he thought was a bible.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to unite this exquisitely charming double-o agent and this wonderful and beautiful psychiatrist in holy matrimony.

Without marriage, I'd certainly have a lot more devoted agents, and judging by how bad I am at keeping track of them all, that might not be a good thing.

So thank heaven for marriage, I guess, God knows I don't understand it though!" said M. Bond laughed.

"That's a peculiar book you're reading, M" said Bond.

"Do you take this woman to be your wife, Mr. Bond?" asked M.  
"I do," replied Bond.  
"And you, Dr. Swann do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband under the full moon here in the Cliffs of Dover?" asked M.  
"I do," replied Swann.  
"You may...keep...kissing the bride," said M.

"It's happened," said Bond. He continued, "I feel as free as a cuckoo bird"

"Bond," said Swann gazing into his eyes. "You don't have to retire, silly boy. The mission was actually a little fun!"

"I do, well, I think I do" replied Bond.

"Bond, who was she? The woman you loved before?" asked Swann.

"It's not important, trust me" replied Bond.

"Please, I implore you, tell me" demanded Swann.

"You. It's always been you, the author of all my joy" replied Bond.

Bond then played a special song Bond fans know all too well on his smartphone while he and Swann danced romantically, under the moonlit sky.

It went like this, try to contain yourselves folks, Nobody Does it Better by Carly Simon:

Nobody does it better  
Makes me feel sad for the rest  
Nobody does it half as good as you  
Baby, you're the best

I wasn't lookin' but somehow you found me  
It tried to hide from your love light  
But like heaven above me  
The spy who loved me  
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better  
Though sometimes I wish someone could  
Nobody does it quite the way you do  
Why'd you have to be so good?

The way that you hold me  
Whenever you hold me  
There's some kind of magic inside you  
That keeps me from runnin'  
But just keep it comin'

How'd ya learn to do the things you do?

Bond then activated another song on his ShmartPhone, yes I said SHMARTPHONE:

Underneath the Mango Tree by Monty Norman:

Underneath the mango tree  
Me honey and me can watch for the moon  
Underneath the mango tree  
Me honey and me make boolooloop soon

Underneath the moonlit sky  
Me honey and I can sit hand in hand  
Underneath the moonlit sky  
Me honey and I can make fairyland

Mango, banana and tangerine  
Sugar and ackee and cocoa bean  
When we get marry we make them grow  
And nine little child in a row

Underneath the mango tree  
Me honey and me can watch for the moon  
Underneath the mango tree  
Me honey and me we plan marry soon

Underneath the moonlit sky  
Me honey and I can sit hand in hand  
Underneath the moonlit sky  
Me honey and I can make fairyland

"So, what do you need? Diamonds?" asked Bond.

"You're all I need to please me" replied Swann.

THE END?

Later, Bond and Swann received a strange package from Japan with a Hello Kitty label.

They were suspicious at first. And when they opened it up, there was Blofeld's cat. But he seemed friendly. He was purring up a storm.

"A pussy? I must be dreaming" said Bond. (Goldfinger reference, yes)

"I've always wanted a cat," said Swann, nuzzling its face while it was in her arms.

"I still don't trust that fluffy little bitch" said Bond.

"It's not a bitch, it's a beetch!" replied Swann.

"Is that right?" said Bond.

"Well, what do you want out of this marriage, Mr. Bond? A son?" asked Swann.

"Yes," replied Bond. "I'd call him Bond. James Bond Junior. No, just kidding"

"Do you want to hold the cat?" asked Swann.

"Oh, alright," replied Bond, picking it up and stroking the Persian in his armchair.

JUST THE TWO OF US-YOU AND I:

"You look so good I'll take a picture" said Swann.

"That is only Phase 1 of our master plan, Number Two!" said Bond, stroking the cat.

"Mr. Blofeld 007! what kind of agent do you take me for?" said Swann, laughing in a flirtatious tone.

"I never thought this day would come" said Bond.

"Guess I should change into something more...suitable for the situation" said Swann.

Later...

Somewhere in an underground lab...

"HE FORGOT ABOUT ME! THE REAL THREAT TO THE WORLD! AHEHEEHEHEH!" laughed a bald man with no hands sitting on a chair stroking a cat.

Sitting next to this man was Baron Samedi, alive and well.

The man with the tabby cat?

Dr. No perhaps? Someone will deal with him. Maybe Bond again. Maybe not.

But at any rate...

THE END! JW Pepper says: THAT was a Bond movie? I'm writing a complaint to TNT Superstation! Hell, I'll write to JK Rowlingz, Tolkien, even Ian Flemco!

James Bond MIGHT Return, but with a new sci-fi style career no longer working for MI6, alongside Swann and Dr. Who in

...….LIVE TO DIE AGAIN: THE ETERNAL SLUMBER CELL AWAKENING, a story featuring Zorin and Mayday


End file.
